My Gal Fluffy
by Aiffe
Summary: Kouga finally meets the woman of his dreams… only problem is, it’s Sesshoumaru. D’oh. [Update: Chapter eight. The strangest lil fic on FFN continues. Bonus points if you know who gets Fluffy's sash open.]
1. My Woman

-My Gal Fluffy- 

_Kouga finally meets the woman of his dreams... only problem is, it's Sesshoumaru. D'oh._

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[A/N: This is set pre-Ayame. If you've been watching Inuyasha on [as], you're all set. This also happens to be Kouga/Sesshoumaru. If that bothers you, wait here while I write Inuyasha/Kagome's mom. Don't think I won't.]

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Kouga sneezed.

"They're mocking me," he said miserably. "They're mocking me right this (achoo!) second!"

"There are worse things they could be doing," Hakkaku put in unhelpfully. Ginta cringed for the coming apocalypse.

But Kouga only sighed. "They've probably done _that_ already, and are following it up with some Kouga-bashing." He sniffled, and wiped his nose on his arm. "I don't know whether to kill her for destroying my reputation, or just make sure nothing nasty gets a taste of her, because I couldn't stand if anything happened to her..." he laid his head in his arms, the picture of defeat.

"Look," Ginta said sternly, "you have more important things to worry about than some human girl. Not just your reputation, but your family line!"

"Yeah," Hakkaku added, "forget about the human, if she wants to have puppies with the mutt, that's her business."

"Puppies?" Kouga wailed, somewhat muffled by his arms.

"It's his loss," Hakkaku said defensively. "They'd be mostly human, you know? You wouldn't want to breed with her, anyway, she might not pass on her gift for detecting the shards, and you'd be stuck with a litter of hanyous."

Well. He'd never thought of it quite like that. But still! Kagome! His! Dog-man... ew. It was the principle of it, dammit!

"You just have to find a good demon girl!" Ginta opined. "Someone beautiful, and strong, and faithful, who won't go gallivanting off with some half-breed first opportunity she gets! Someone who will protect your reputation, not trample it! Someone worthy of the great Kouga-sama!"

A reluctant smile pulled at the corners of Kouga's mouth. I have great minions, he thought to himself proudly.

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Now, you may say that Sesshoumaru does nothing but walk around the forest in a boa. But you would be wrong. Sesshoumaru doesn't walk- he _glides_.

At that particular moment, however, he was not gliding. He was standing. He was annoyed. He had an itch.

Sesshoumaru had always fancied himself far too special to be subject to the common indignity of _itching_. But there it was. And in a most improper place, too.

"How may I be of service to you, Sesshoumaru-sama?" Jaken groveled.

Sesshoumaru glared down on him, looking as if he was wondering whether he should kill him on the spot, or if that wasn't worth cleaning his sword. Jaken didn't seem too troubled by this. "You may," Sesshoumaru said levelly, "see to my needs. I am in... discomfort. Attend to it."

Jaken licked his lipless beak. "Yes, Milord," he said, a tad too eagerly.

Off to the side, Rin was eating grass. She was cute and all, but honestly, this "hunger" business was growing tiresome. He kept a straight face as Jaken scratched at his ankle lightly. "Higher."

Jaken scratched higher. Damned if he wasn't enjoying it, too. The things this Sesshoumaru must endure.

"Higher."

Oh, sweet relief. This had been worth it at any price.

Any price but _that_. He turned on Jaken angrily. "What was that?" he asked in a finely clipped tone.

"N-n-nothing, Milord!" Jaken stuttered hopelessly.

Sesshoumaru kicked him out of sight. How dare that unworthy toad take advantage of him like that. He turned to saunter off, when he heard a sneeze.

Kouga stood proudly in his path, hands on his hips, grinning like a maniac.

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_Be brave, be brave_, Kouga told himself feverishly. "So, uh," he said, trying to sound casual, "what's a pretty girl like you doing in a forest like this?"

Sesshoumaru's eyebrow twitched. This was just going to be one of these days, wasn't it.

_She's not buying it. Gotta make your move now. _ "Um... would you like to be my woman, by any chance?" _There! What girl could resist an offer like that?_

Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow in what seemed to be amusement. Little did the wolf know the kind of danger he was in.

Kouga sidled up to him with impressive speed. "I'm not hearing a no," he said suggestively. He leaned forward ambitiously, and kissed him.

Sesshoumaru had the fleeting urge to eviscerate something. But it was either this or wait until Jaken caught up with him. With an inward shrug, Sesshoumaru kissed back.

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If he had known Kouga would take it as an engagement, he might have done things differently. He put a protective hand on Rin's head, not liking the way the wolves were looking at her.

"Oh, is she yours?" Kouga asked, noticing her for the first time.

Intriguing question. The child was not related to him by blood, yet if she could be said to be anyone's, surely it was him. Rin watched him with bated breath.

"Yeah, she's a cute lil thing," Kouga said, not waiting for an answer. "I'll make it clear that no one's to eat her, (several wolves groaned at this) so she'll be safe and happy as can be. Nothing's too good for my woman and her family. Isn't that right, little one?" he said, ruffling Rin's hair. She bit him.

"Spunky little scamp! Um, kid, you can let go now. Any time. Daddy would like his hand back, sweetie."

"Rin."

She let go, and wiped her mouth, grinning fiendishly at Kouga.

Kouga took a step back. Then another one.

Sesshoumaru swelled with pride.

Ginta and Hakkaku hid, lest they be named babysitters.

"She smells human, but acts like a demon child," someone whispered.

"So," Kouga said around his wounded hand, "it works like this. I declare you my woman before the pack, and you're mine forever. Oh, before I forget, what's your name?"

"That's it?"

"What a strange name. Well, I suppose you didn't pick it..."

Sesshoumaru played with Toukijin's hilt. "That is not my name." How irritating. Not only was this man an idiot, but there obviously was going to be no chance to wear a wedding kimono. Why was he here again?

Kouga frowned. "You have such a deep voice for a woman."

"Indeed."

He shook his head as if to clear it. "So if you'll just—hey, what do you guys want?" he said as his minions dragged him off unceremoniously.

"Kouga, please find a different mate!" Ginta begged.

"What's wrong with this one? She's beautiful, quiet, powerful... and a fantastic kisser!"

"We're just not convinced that _she_ is all _she_ seems to be." Hakkaku said diplomatically.

"_What_ is your _problem_?" Kouga said in a fierce whisper. "She's perfect! Well, I mean, she's not Kagome or anything, but as arrogant demon ladies go, she's a—"

"How old is she?" Hakkaku asked.

"What's her name?"

"Who's her family?"

"Is she wealthy?"

"Have you noticed that one of her sleeves is empty?"

"Does she have a lot of kids?"

"Does she have a penis?"

Kouga's jaw dropped. "Well, she—I... Old enough! I'll ask her again! Us! She is now! I had not noticed! But it doesn't mean anything! Just the runt that bit me! (I think.) And hell no! Because she can't! She's a girl, and... WHY THE HELL AM I ANSWERING TO YOU?" In a flash, he was by Sesshoumaru's side again. Stupid minions. He'd make them baby-sit the little terror for that.

That evening at the cave, Kouga made the announcement to the pack. Sesshoumaru suspected nearly everyone had figured out his gender, but no one was brave enough to break the news to Kouga.

He hadn't had this much fun in decades.

Rin also seemed to be having a good time, at the expense of two weary-looking wolves.

And then there was Kouga, who seemed to be everything he wasn't. Foolish, impulsive, loud, and tactless. And completely unaware of his own beauty.

He preened his boa and sipped cha delicately. It was just a vacation, he decided. Even the great Sesshoumaru needs something to do besides look at rocks and trees all day. Something not three feet high and green.

Kouga caught his gaze, his dark, tanned skin sweaty from wrestling, his eyes shining, and mouth slightly open. "What was your name again?" he asked, spoiling the moment.

Sesshoumaru sipped his cha.

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...Later that night—

"Are you sure we're doing this right?"

"Completely."

"But what if we're not?"

"Other than all the talking we seem to be doing, this is the way it's done."

"But this isn't how Dad told me to do it."

"Umph."

"How do you know so much about this, anyway? Hey, you positive we didn't make a mistake somewhere?"

"The only mistake I made was not gagging you."

"Ooh, kinky. What was your name again?"

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**[Yes, there will be a chapter two. Jaken shows up. Fun. Boost my ego and get it sooner—I'm not saying that as blackmail, but when I feel good, I write more. I can't help it.]**


	2. Exes and Inlaws

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[I'm generally a very slow writer, but actually getting feedback for once in my life got me all inspired. Enjoy!]

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Part Two.

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Sesshoumaru was no stranger to unsettling awakenings. In particular, the first week of waking up sans left arm had been traumatizing. But through it all, he had kept a level head and an impeccable air of dignity.

And he was about as close to losing both as he'd ever been.

As he'd slowly drifted from sleep, he had in fact expected to wake in a wolf's den, possibly with the pack leader beside him.

_Beside._ Not on top of. Not snuggling him. Not licking his cheek. Sesshoumaru's eyes shot open.

"Morning, precious," Kouga managed to say between licks.

Sesshoumaru choked a little.

"You taste like pickled plums."

That was too much. "Remove yourself from my person."

"I thought your person liked me," Kouga said, pouting.

"A brief indiscretion. Try not to read too much into it," Sesshoumaru said without looking Kouga in the eye. He gathered a fur around himself as he searched for his clothes.

"Wait," Kouga said, as a fully-dressed Sesshoumaru strode towards the exit. "Where are you going?"

"Away."

"For how long?"

Sesshoumaru didn't answer.

"No!" Kouga said. "You can't! We're married, now, and I love you!"

"Love me?" Sesshoumaru said icily. "You don't even know my name."

Kouga sat on the rumpled bed, crestfallen. "I don't have to," he said quietly to the empty cave.

But Kouga's fiery temperament could not stay down for long. Within moments, he'd gathered his clothes, and hobbled after his straying wife while drawing them on, with hope afresh in his heart.

"This is about last night, I know!" he shouted after Sesshoumaru in the corridor, not caring who heard. "I _told_ you we weren't doing it right, you should have listened!"

Sesshoumaru paused in the main cave to pluck a sleeping Rin from between two exhausted wolves, and went on into the light.

Where he stopped. Or froze, more like it. And, very, very, quietly, backtracked into the cave.

A hideous screech broke the morning calm.

"SESSHOOOUMARU-SAMAAAAA!"

Kouga cautiously stalked to the mouth of the cave, and peered out. A small green demon was running amok on _his_ land, shooting fire at _his_ pack. Which in itself would naturally lead to Death by Kouga. But there seemed to be more to it.

Kouga cracked his knuckles, and took a long, hard look at Sesshoumaru, who had the nerve to be leaning nonchalantly against the rock as if this was generally what he did this time of day. "Old boyfriend of yours?"

Sesshoumaru tried to decide which was more humiliating, Jaken being allowed to live, or ruining his reputation by claiming a relationship with that troll.

However, he was not given the chance to come to a conclusion. Several singed wolves shot into the cave, making a fearsome noise, and quickly followed by Jaken himself, who sprawled on the floor and groveled at the sight of his master.

"Please show this humble servant mercy, my lord!" Jaken moaned. "This inferior vassal promises to never touch you there again... even though that was what you told me to do... and be subservient to you, Milord, forever and ev—oh, pleeaaaseletmebackI'lldoanything!"

"Can I kill him?" Kouga asked hopefully.

Sesshoumaru was sorely tempted. _Remember,_ he told himself, _he only 'loves' you because you're beautiful. But then... if I met someone as beautiful as me, I suppose I would feel a sort of love for them as well._ He remembered the time he'd met Jaken. It was a one-sided infatuation from the start. Yet it had been useful to this Sesshoumaru.

"No," Sesshoumaru said, his voice heavy with regret, "He is only a worthless minion, he cares for the child, and she would miss him."

"Please, let's keep him!" Ginta and Hakkaku shouted at the same time, warily watching Rin sleep over Sesshoumaru's shoulder.

Jaken, sensing he was forgiven, hid behind Sesshoumaru's leg.

Kouga snarled. "How dare you be so familiar with my wife! Unhand her!" He still hadn't forgotten that comment about "touching you there."

"Wife?" Jaken asked, and sputtered incoherently, until Sesshoumaru stopped him with a stern glare.

Jaken froze, and sniffed deliberately. "You... you SLUT!" he screamed at Sesshoumaru. "After all my years of loyal servitude, you—"

"Oopsie," Kouga said, having already drop-kicked Jaken out of sight. "Shikon shards in the legs, you know, I don't know my own strength," he lied innocently.

Sesshoumaru sent Kouga a conspiring smile. Kouga blinked, and it was gone.

"He'll be back," Sesshoumaru said in a dull, weary voice. He sat down at the mouth of the cave. Kouga followed his example, and Sesshoumaru leaned on him. Rin murmured in her sleep.

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"I wanna be a rice farmer!" Shippou proclaimed proudly.

"That's nice, Shippou," Kagome said, humoring the child.

"No, that's really stupid," Inuyasha said. "Demons don't grow rice."

"I don't see why not. If a demon wanted to grow rice, I don't think anyone could stop them," Kagome pointed out.

"Keh."

"It's gonna be a really, really big farm," Shippou elaborated. "I'm gonna have workers, and oxen, and five wives."

"Five?" Kagome sputtered.

"Kids grow up faster and faster these days," Sango sighed.

"An admirable goal," Miroku said, grinning knowingly.

"What?" Shippou asked, looking from face to face, confused. "I just said I wanted five wives on my paddy. I'll need them!"

"Of that, I have no doubt," Miroku intoned.

"One to cook. One to run the household. One to tell me stories. And two to clean, cause it's gonna be a _really_ big house!"

Everyone exchanged glances.

"Ah, Shippou," Miroku explained, "those are _servants_. A wife is..." his eyebrows rose to his hairline, "for... _other _things."

Shippou frowned. "Are you saying I can't have five wives?"

"There is no reason he cannot," a cold voice said, "as long as none of them are _human_, that is."

_Sesshoumaru_. Kagome gasped. Shippou hid in her hair. Inuyasha snarled and gripped Tessaiga.

"Fluffy!" someone called. Sesshoumaru stiffened. "C'mere and give me some sugar!"

Inuyasha blinked. "_Fluffy?"_

Kouga showed up in a flash and kissed Sesshoumaru deeply. Kagome covered Shippou's eyes. Inuyasha's brain exploded.

"I think we found those jewel shards I sensed," Kagome said falteringly, winning her the 'understatement of the year' award.

Kouga looked up at them abruptly. "Kagome," he said in a breathy whisper. Then, in a very different tone, "Dog turd."

Inuyasha was too stunned to respond to this. "Fluffy?" he said dazedly.

"I think he's broken," Sango said, poking him.

Kilala mewed affirmatively.

Kouga resisted the urge to run up to Kagome, tell her he loved her, and demand that she marry him. Because he was already married, to a wonderful woman. Okay, she was a little strange sometimes, but not the point. Kagome had humiliated him. So he'd dumped her. Yeah, that was the way it happened! Served her right! She'd be sorry now! He stuck his chin out a little.

"Kagome," he said, "I'd like you to meet my wife, Sesshoumaru." He put an arm around his bride to make a point.

After about thirty seconds, with a conscious effort, Kagome managed to close her mouth.

Shippou tugged at her sleeve. "Kagome," he said, "I changed my mind. I don't want any wives on my paddy. Not one."

_Oh yeah, she was jealous. Just look at her._ "Kagome, the least you could do is be happy for me, now that I've found the right woman," Kouga said, feigning hurt.

Inuyasha made a few false starts, opening and closing his mouth without sound. Then he seemed to find exactly the words he was looking for. "SESSHOUMARU!** WHAT THE FUCK?!?!**"

"Wait, you know her? Oh, God, my poor Sesshoumaru-chan isn't the dog turd's ex, is she?"

Sesshoumaru relished the moment. "Do you disapprove of my choice in _husbands_, little brother?"

"Hu-hu-husbands?" Inuyasha sputtered.

"Wait, you're related to that thing?" Kouga said incredulously. "How disgusting! Uh, I mean, you're nothing like him. You must be the jewel of your family."

Miroku popped up beside Kouga unexpectedly. "You know," he said in a lowered voice, "I'd be lying if I said I'd never considered it, Sesshoumaru is quite the beauty, but really, wasn't it a bit unfair of you to propose to Kagome when there were things like this you hadn't quite worked out of your system?"

Kouga punched him.

"Wow, Sango," Miroku said, "he hits almost as hard as you!"

Sango smiled proudly, leaned on her weapon, and enjoyed the show.

"But, um," Shippou said, "Sesshoumaru's not a girl!"

"Yeah!" Inuyasha seconded vehemently.

"How stupid do I look!" Kouga said angrily. Everybody tactfully refrained from comment. "Of course I know Sesshoumaru's not a girl, I have eyes! Not to mention we've slept together. I know the difference between a girl and a woman, and Sesshoumaru's a _woman!_"

Somewhere under all that hair and attitude, Sesshoumaru may have been blushing.

"I think we've found someone even dumber than you, Inuyasha," Miroku said.

Kagome looked at her feet.

"No," Inuyasha said, perfectly calm. "Sesshoumaru is _not_ a woman. She—ugh, _he_ is my older brother. Well, half-brother, as he loves to remind me."

Sesshoumaru attempted fratricide via eyeballs.

"Aw," Kagome said, pouting, "You didn't have to out him, that was mean!"

It was Kouga's brain's turn to explode. Kaplooie.

Miroku winced in sympathy.

"Fluffy?" he said to Sesshoumaru, brokenly.

Sesshoumaru looked away.

Kouga looked from Sesshoumaru to Inuyasha and back, and did some mental arithmetic.

"Wait, wait," he said. "Let me understand this. I married Dog-turd's brother, right? So... that makes us brother-in-laws. Now, if he, (Dog-turd) then goes and marries Kagome, that makes her my sister, right? And then, what if we both cheat on our spouses, admit our destiny, and have a sultry, carnal affair, as is inevitable..." He winked at Kagome here, and Sesshoumaru kicked him. Kagome giggled. "Would that be incest? And wait, wait. Does any of this make me gay?"

Kouga frowned as the worst of it hit him. Wait, no, it got worse. He fainted. Sesshoumaru caught him daintily.

"Quick, take his jewel shards!" Inuyasha yelled triumphantly.

Kagome caught him by a lock of hair. "Shame on you! You're the one that messed everything up with your big mouth, now you stay until everything's fixed!"

Inuyasha wilted slightly. "But—but! He would have found out anyway, I mean, come on! No one's that dumb!"

"Honestly," Miroku said, "if he didn't know by this point..."

"How does that work, anyway?" Sango asked, tilting her head, and looking at the newlyweds.

"I could show you," Miroku offered.

"What, with Inuyasha?" she asked, intrigued.

"HELL NO!" Inuyasha interrupted.

"No, with us. There's a way to do that with a woman, too, you know."

Sango's eyes crossed momentarily. "I have no idea what you're taking about, but I'm sure it's perverted!" She slapped him.

"You really do hit harder than Kouga. Are you sure you're not a man?"

"Of course I'm not!" Sango said, outraged.

"Would you mind showing me? Just to be sure."

_Slap!_

"Don't worry," Kagome said to Sesshoumaru, "_Inuyasha_ and I are going to help you."

Inuyasha mumbled something unintelligible and inspected his claws.

Sesshoumaru checked if the Glare-o-Death had become any more effective since he'd last used it five minutes ago. No such luck. "I don't need your pity," he said scorchingly.

"Perhaps, but you do need _us_, since you can't very well carry Kouga back to the den with one arm," she pointed out unforgivingly.

"Yes, and exactly whose fault is that?" Sesshoumaru accused, looking directly at Inuyasha.

"Yours, for trying to kill me?" Inuyasha mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" Kagome asked in a dangerous tone.

Inuyasha sighed. "Nothing."

"I thought so. Now let's try to make things right." With that, she strode towards Sesshoumaru fearlessly.

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**[A/N- Some reviewers (!heart! loff!) had various questions about Kouga and Sesshoumaru's motives... generally, these things will either be revealed as the story progresses, or I don't have an answer for it. Kouga/Sesshoumaru isn't exactly canon, you know, so if you try to write anything deeper than "and they realized how much they'd always wanted to shag, so they did, and then they did it again, and then they did it in twelve different positions on Wednesday," there are going to be plot holes. For that I am sorry, I did try to be clever. **

**Also, since Inuyasha is from Japanese, i.e., an eastern Asian language, there are going to be variations on how things are spelled. Especially when the translators decide to change it from the standardized romanization to make it more palatable to those round-eyed, long-nosed American barbarians. -.-; Generally, I spell the names as a direct romanization of the kana.**

**Tessaiga/Tetsusaiga is an issue in its own right. On the adult swim dub, it is spelled/pronounced Tetsusaiga. However, in the Japanese version, it's spelled/pronounced Tessaiga, and when I say spelled, I don't mean in the subtitles, I mean in the furigana. However, I saw some raw Inuyasha manga, and in that, it was Tetsusaiga. Maybe that's what Takahashi named it, and it was awkward to pronounce? I don't know. I chose Tessaiga, because when I watch the subs, that's what I hear Inuyasha say. Really, either is acceptable.**

**Do I really intend to write Inuyasha/Kagome's mom? I might at that. It certainly wouldn't be the most controversial thing I've written. That prize would undoubtedly go to my very long, very angsty Kohaku/Naraku non-con I'm currently writing on the side. I haven't posted it here, or anywhere else, partly because I don't want to get in trouble, (even though it's not very graphic, it's graphic enough) and partly because there are some very real perverts in this world, and while I just wrote it for the symbolism and such, I didn't want one of them getting off on it, and possibly hurting someone. Someday I might edit it down to an R, and see about posting it, but it just wouldn't be the same story that way.**

**I also want to write some of my other serious fics, such as a Trigun one, (alas, no pairings! Just a lot of deep psychology!) and a Kiba/Tsume Wolf's Rain fic. Is it obvious that I like yaoi? Hooray for yaoi!**

**If you've actually bothered to read my very, very long author's notes, you get a cookie. If your eyes are glazed over, you get an apology. If you're humping my leg, you get a flyswatter. Everyone wins.**

**There is a next chapter, or will be when I write it. Fun! More gender confusion than Ranma in Fushigi Yuugi!**


	3. You Know What Homophobia Really Means

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[I'd like to take this moment to thank someone, Cainchan, without whom I never would have written this fic. In fact, I wouldn't be writing at all. You work miracles, bro, I love you.]

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Part Three:

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"Why the HELL are we helping him again, Kagome?" Inuyasha snarled from Kouga's armpit.

"Because," she said, flustered, "You're—"

"I married Dog-turd's brother!" Kouga said in shock. He twitched, and fainted again.

"You're _brothers_! And—"

"Half brothers," Sesshoumaru reminded.

"You shush!" Kagome chided. "You're family, the only family you have! That should mean something!"

"Oh, hey, I just realized something," Kouga said, coming to. "I MARRIED DOG-TURD'S BROTHER!" Sesshoumaru patted his head lovingly. Kouga smiled dazedly and fainted.

"Inuyasha has a point for once, I must admit," Miroku said, sharing his end of Kouga with Sango.

Inuyasha's eyebrow developed a tic. "For once?"

"Sesshoumaru has tried rather earnestly to kill us on a number of occasions," he continued, ignoring Inuyasha.

Sesshoumaru winked at Shippou, who hid in Kagome's hair. Kagome grinned—there had been no malice in that, it was more like a favored uncle playing monster.

"That's exactly my point, though," Kagome said, keeping her eye on Sesshoumaru. "Family shouldn't do that. They should be there for each other, love each other, like me and Souta! Like Sango, she'd never forsake her family." Kagome winced having said that, wondering if she'd gone too far.

"You're a very kind person," Sango said, "to want Inuyasha to have a brother. But Kagome, my brother isn't a youkai. There's a difference, you know?"

"I'm a youkai!" Shippou chimed in.

"Yeah, but you're cute, so you don't count," Kagome said, ruffling his hair.

Sango blushed. "I—I think Sesshoumaru is cute."

Everyone, including Sesshoumaru himself, looked at Sango as if she had gone insane.

"...is not cute," Inuyasha muttered under his breath.

Miroku raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, does everybody here know I married Dog-turd's brother?" Kouga said before fainting.

"Oof," Inuyasha said, "what does this guy eat, rocks? He weighs a ton!"

Sesshoumaru smirked slightly. "You always were the weaker one."

Inuyasha straightened up, and made a big show of Kouga-not-being-heavy.

"Sesshouuumaruu-samaaa" cried a blur launching itself at Sesshoumaru.

Inuyasha blinked. "Hey, did Jaken just get girlier?"

"It's a girl!" Kagome proclaimed, winning her the stating-the-obvious of the year award. Quite a collection she was getting.

Rin grinned sheepishly from Sesshoumaru's hair.

"Oh, this is just disgusting!" Inuyasha announced to the world. "Kouga was one thing, but I didn't know you were into kids, too!"

"Boy, he doesn't even slow down for the red lights," Kagome said, amazed.

"Sesshoumaru-sama?" Rin said, "Why is Mr. Angry Face yelling at you?"

Inuyasha's eyebrow tic made a comeback. "Where is Jaken, anyway?" he asked, partially to change the subject. "Isn't his nose usually stuck up your ass this time of day?"

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Little did Inuyasha know, but Jaken, at that very moment, was entertaining thoughts of an eerily similar nature. And crying. Or, as close to crying as he came, which was wailing and thrashing while his nose ran.

He was carrying on in this fashion rather shamelessly, when out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tall stately figure, with a great deal of white fur. _Could it be?_ He hiccuped and looked around hopefully.

His heart sunk immediately. Not only was it not his beloved Sesshoumaru, but he was going to die in a moment or two. Because it was Naraku, and there was no Sesshoumaru to hide behind. He cowered before the baboon-pelt clad figure.

"Rise, minion," Naraku said smoothly. "I bear you no ill will... for the moment."

Jaken gulped. But he was listening.

"You wish to be back by your master's side, do you not?" Naraku asked, almost kindly.

"More than anything does this humble servant wish that," Jaken said fervently, "but, if I may be so bold, what interest would one such as yourself have in that?"

"Do not concern yourself with matters above your station. I have, in my generosity, offered to help you. Do you insult me by refusing?" The threat in his voice was subtle, but Jaken did not miss it.

"Please, oh great lord, my only concern is that one so important as yourself should not be troubled with my petty trifles. Surely there is some advantage for you, great lord?" Jaken asked, a hard glint in his eye.

Naraku chuckled. "Let me show you that I am an honest man," he said, and with that, pulled off his pelt. He looked at Jaken with that sort of aggressive pout favored by male models.

Jaken wibbled.

"See," Naraku said, taking full advantage of how his deep, sonorous voice complimented his looks, "you have no reason to distrust me. This Naraku does not reveal himself to just anyone, so this means something."

Jaken was enjoying the view a tad too much. Naraku shuddered.

"Th-thank you, my lord," Jaken said, kissing Naraku's feet humbly. "Thank you so much for this."

Naraku's eyes narrowed. _Just endure._

"Come," Naraku said, "we have many things to discuss." Naraku smiled in satisfaction. He had been right not to send Kagura to do this. There were just some things a man needed to do himself.

.

.

.

.

"Ooooh, my head!" Kouga groaned. Ginta and Hakkaku rushed to his side, patting and stroking his head appeasingly, and generally being useless. "Ugh, stop that, you two, you're making me dizzy."

"Sorry," Hakkaku said, sitting on his hands.

"This is the head you meant, right?" Ginta asked nervously.

"YES!" Kouga bellowed. "Sit down, you idiot."

Ginta sat abruptly.

"Damn, what happened? I feel like my brain exploded or something." Ginta and Hakkaku exchanged glances.

"Wait," he said, remembering. "Kagome's here, isn't she?" He was on his feet in a flash, and clasped both hands to his head. Ginta and Hakkaku watched, wincing sympathetically. Kouga tried to shake it off, regretted it, and went on ahead anyway, his minions in tow.

"Boss, you remember about the—" Hakkaku began.

"YES ALREADY!" Kouga vented at him, and, at the pain in his head, continued in a softer voice. "We never speak of it again, okay?"

They continued in silence a moment. Then Kouga turned to them. "Is Sesshoumaru still here?"

Ginta and Hakkaku looked at one another, and back at Kouga, and said nothing.

"Okay! I changed my mind! You can talk about it! But quickly!"

"Um, behind you, actually," Hakkaku said.

Kouga whirled. "You!" he said.

"Me?" Sesshoumaru said innocently/

"Um, that's all I've got. But I really mean it!" he said lamely.

"Right." Sesshoumaru nodded slightly. "Me."

"What was I doing just now?" Kouga whispered discreetly to Ginta.

"Looking for Kagome?" Ginta suggested.

"Oh, yes, that. I knew that. And you," he said, turning again to Sesshoumaru, one hand pointing at him and wagging slightly, the other firmly on his forehead, "you... stay here."

Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow.

Kouga fled.

Rin popped up, looked at Sesshoumaru a moment, and went after Kouga.

Kouga ran faster.

"He's lost it," Hakkaku whispered to Ginta, with one eye on Sesshoumaru.

"Oh, yeah," Ginta replied.

Both shook their heads sadly.

"What do we do?" Hakkaku asked nervously.

"What do we always do? Come on," Ginta said, taking Hakkaku's hand for courage and squeezing it slightly. Hakkaku gulped and squeezed back.

Sesshoumaru wondered if he'd ever get his eyebrow back down.

.

.

.

.

Kagome, as it turned out, was not difficult to find. He need only follow the neverending ranting of her offensive companion.

"Can you _believe_ it? That ASSHOLE had to get me related to yet another ASSHOLE, just because the damned fool can't tell difference between male and _female_, though if you ask me he was always a bit fruity, I swear he groped me whenever we fought, and—"

"Please," Kagome pleaded, "get off me, you smell like Kouga's armpit."

Kouga stopped and sniffed his armpit. Didn't know what Kagome was talking about, it was definitely an improvement on the hanyou's rank odor.

"Well who ordered me to carry him?" Inuyasha retorted in an ugly, and rather immature tone. "And that's ANOTHER thing! Like I don't have enough problems being related to every other scumbag in Japan, _you_ have to come along and tell me to _help_ them! What's next, I gotta make Naraku a tea cozy? Heaven forbid he should ruin my life without a warm cup of tea! And you just—"

And so on, and so forth. Kouga was beginning to miss being unconscious. Really, the brothers, (yes, _brothers, ouch_) were nothing at all alike. Sesshoumaru had never made such a racket. Against his better judgement, Kouga was appreciating that.

"ENOUGH!" he yelled, bursting into the clearing. "Leave her alone, Dog-turd!"

"Isn't that 'brother Dog-turd?'" Inuyasha said smugly.

"Kagome, darling, how can you stand him?" Kouga asked, clasping her hands delicately.

"Oh, he's just having one of his fits," she said blushing. "He doesn't mean it, you know, it's just to help him deal."

Kouga shook his head in disapproval. "You shouldn't have to endure such—"

_Clunk._

Kouga's eyes crossed as he looked up at Tessaiga, which had landed nicely on his head, but not with enough force to cut him.

Kagome felt a surge of pride. Inuyasha was learning. When she'd met him, he would have thought nothing of simply cutting Kouga in half. Now he understood that simply showing that he could was enough in some cases. Imagine! Inuyasha learning subtlety! She grinned widely. Both men misunderstood it.

Rin chose this moment to launch herself at Kouga's leg and try to climb it.

Kouga contracted some new and interesting facial tics.

"Let. Go. Of. Her." Inuyasha said evenly.

Kouga dropped Kagome's hands like hot potatoes, and ran out from under Tessaiga to a better position, grateful for his speed. Disappointingly, Rin had managed to hold on. He shook his leg uselessly.

"Look," he said, picking Rin up by the back of her kimono, "you take the girl your emotional age, and I'll have Kagome. Fair?"

Inuyasha opened his mouth to object, but was distracted by the flying girl coming his direction. By the time he'd caught her, Kagome was gone.

Kouga paused momentarily in the treetop above where they had been standing. He really should do a gender check, after last time. Not that he thought Kagome could be a boy, but he hadn't thought that of Sesshoumaru, either, so... holding her daintily, he sniffed her crotch. Kagome paid him in kind with a foot. He dropped her.

Luckily, Inuyasha caught her. This seemed to be the motif for the day. Vaguely he wondered if Sango was about to fall off Kilala or anything.

Rin clapped.

Kouga frowned. "No, that wasn't right," he said. "Not right at all."

"Ha! That's what you get!" Inuyasha gloated.

"No, I meant..." Kouga said, searching for the words, "Kagome! Did you plan on telling me you were a man?"

Inuyasha's jaw dropped. So did Kagome.

"Oof! And, uh no?" Kagome managed to say.

"Wait, this makes no sense," Inuyasha said. "Miroku's seen her naked. _I've_ seen her naked," (insert angry glare from Kagome here) "and, unlike _some people_, I happen to know the difference between male and female!"

Kouga glared mistrustfully from his branch. "Something's not right, I tell you."

"Okay," Kagome said, "let's settle this, right here, right now!" She gripped her hem determinedly.

"Oh, like HELL you will!" Inuyasha objected loudly, grabbing her wrists.

"Wow, what did I miss?" Miroku said, looking like he might pass out from lack of blood to his brain.

"Kagome was just about to prove she's a woman," Kouga explained, jumping down to the ground.

"Well then by all means, continue!" Miroku said, making a sweeping gesture with one hand. Sango stepped on his foot. Kilala developed that 'I'm-surrounded-by-crazy-people' look again.

"Miroku," Kagome pleaded, "Tell him. You saw me, I look like a woman, right?"

"Ah," Miroku sighed, enjoying the memory. "It was a dark night, a little bit cool, somewhat humid, when I first saw her in all her loveliness. Her breasts were as perfect and firm as—"

"BOTTOM LINE, Bouzu," Inuyasha said threateningly.

"I knew you felt the way I did!" Miroku said with a twinkle in his eye. "Yes, I was just getting to her bottom. It was—"

"DID SHE HAVE A JOHNSON OR DIDN'T SHE???" Inuyasha blurted out.

Kagome died of mortification that moment, forever leaving a hollow shell to walk the earth in her place.

"Nope, Johnson-free."

"There you have it, now that we're all settled and everyone knows everyone's gender..." Inuyasha paused and sniffed. "Kagome... you do smell odd."

He'd never thought about it before, but the first time he'd smelled Kagome, he'd thought it was Kikyou. On closer inspection, they had smelled different, but he had focused on the similarities, not the differences. Kagome didn't smell male, exactly, but Kouga was right, something was amiss.

Kagome blushed and examined a pebble by her toe. This wasn't going to end well.

.

.

.

.

[A/N Did you almost feel sorry for Jaken a moment there? Don't worry, he's got a new studmuffin to worship. Jaken/Naraku, you know you want it! cringes at the sounds of vomiting Or not...

And the prize for "most sexually slanted line in this chapter" goes to: ""Inuyasha has a point for once, I must admit," Miroku said, sharing his end of Kouga with Sango." I'm sorry, I know that's innocent, but I was giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl when I wrote that. Think of the possibilities!

**Don't worry, everything starts to make sense in a chapter or two. Well, most things, anyhow. Okay, fine, my characters are inexplicable and confusing. But since you're reading the AN for chapter three, I take it you're coping somehow.**

**So, why did I say Kilala instead of Kirara? Well, at the risk of being really really boring: Japanese has a 'curled R,' something not represented in the roman alphabet. It doesn't matter whether you say L or R, both are close but neither is it, I could just as easily say 'Sesshoumalu,' but aren't you glad that I don't? Anyway, Kilala was chosen for the dub on the grounds that "it flows better" and I'm inclined to agree. **

**Bouzu, for those who don't watch the subs, is a nasty term for a Buddhist monk. I put things in English when I can, but I just couldn't find a better way to say that.**

**Chapter four is imminent! I return from my tangent, and get back to Kouga/Sesshoumaru (...eventually) and I am _trying_ to keep this PG13, but dammit it's hard! This was originally supposed to be PG, but that just wasn't happening. ]**


	4. A Splendid Day for an Outing

[This is a space. This site filters out spaces, so I have to tell you this. Look at me, with all my flawed space-y ness.]

"So," Kagome said, swinging her heels over the mouth of the cave and staring at the ground awkwardly. "You and Kouga, huh."

"..." said Sesshoumaru.

"How is that, I mean, really, he couldn't tell? I thought wolves had this whole scent thing going."

"I use perfume."

"Oh," Kagome said, "I mean, you have to make do with what you have... Say, you're not mad about being outed or anything, right?" she added nervously.

Sesshoumaru took on a weary expression. "It's just as well... I was sick of Kouga constantly asking if I was pregnant yet."

"Yes, and, um... speaking of _pregnant_..."

Sesshoumaru looked at her knowingly. "If you say that you are, he'll find you out."

"I could say I miscarried" she said defensively.

"Coward. Besides, it still wouldn't explain the scent. He knows something's wrong."

"Does Kouga... does he still love you? Oh, I didn't mean to—" Kagome blundered.

"I'm still here, aren't I?"

Kagome nodded.

"So, how does it work?" Sesshoumaru asked aloofly. "Is it magic?"

Kagome blushed. "It feels like it sometimes. It's really an ordeal, though. Surgery, and a lot of pills, and all kinds of training..." she trailed off.

"Why did you do it? Not that I care."

"Well, I..." she played with her fingers, trying to find the words. "I just knew it. That I was a girl. When I found out about Kikyou, it really did make sense, I _was_ a girl in a boy's body! It was what I was supposed to be. So I had to fix the mistake."

"I see."

"Daddy, he, um, was like you and Kouga, you know? He liked men." She blushed even deeper at saying these things. "He still did his duty, and had kids though, right? Mama knew... she knew, but she loved him. Loved him enough to let him be himself. He didn't love me that much, though." She was crying now.

But Sesshoumaru wasn't evil just for the eyeshadow. He pushed her to go on.

"He's living in Madrid now. With a man. Last I heard that is... I got a postcard two years ago. He thought... that he'd passed it on to me. That's why he left. So I didn't just break the jewel, I broke my own family. I'm such a screw up."

"You broke something of mine, too," Sesshoumaru said. "Many things, in fact."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"No," he said. "But you will be."

She tensed, shaking a little from crying. "What is... what is that supposed to mean?"

"What was that word again, that you use on Inuyasha?"

"Osuwari?"

_Thud._

Kagome froze. "That... sounded really close."

Oh, Sesshoumaru thought, revenge was indeed best served lukewarm. Revenge for his outing to Kouga. (Since she'd sensed the jewel shards and brought Inuyasha there.) Revenge for his left arm. (Inuyasha was able to use Tessaiga because of her.) Revenge for Tessaiga itself. For shattering the jewel. (Not that he was really mad about this, but someone had to teach her a lesson.) And even revenge on Kikyo, for seducing his half-brother, and further damaging the family status.

Kagome went towards the thud and found both Inuyasha and Kouga hidden in the cave.

"I told you you would hear something interesting," Sesshoumaru said.

"Inuyasha" Kagome said, barely audibly.

He gave her an awful look, and left.

She ran after him.

Oh, Sesshoumaru hadn't felt so alive since he was Inuyasha's age. It felt so good to be wreaking havoc again.

"So," he said to Kouga, "Now that I've gotten rid of those interlopers, how about continuing our honeymoon?"

"IS EVERY GIRL I LIKE A FREAKIN BOY?!?!" Kouga bellowed, and promptly ran after Kagome.

"Or not," Sesshoumaru said to the empty cave.

Funny, but now that he couldn't get Kouga to touch him, it was all he could think about.

[I am a space.]

It could be heard for miles.

"You made me think you were a girl!"

"I _am_ a girl!"

"_Now_ who can't tell the difference between male and female, Dog-turd?"

"Well, go on then, which am I?"

[I am also a space. Stupid site.]

Some time later, it dawned on her.

"Inuyasha? Who's watching Shippou?"

"Hmm? Oh, Miroku and Sango, no?"

"But we saw them before. No Shippou."

"I'm sure he'll turn up."

"No! What if he found a lake, and, um, drowned in it?"

Inuyasha gave her a look.

"Or a ditch! He could have found a ditch and died in it! Ditches are dangerous! Everybody knows that!"

Now even Kouga was giving her a look.

"HOW CAN YOU JUST STAND THERE WHEN THERE ARE DITCHES EVERYWHERE?!?!" She walked off in a huff.

"Maybe she really—" Kouga began.

"...Is a girl," Inuyasha finished.

[Verily, truly, I am a space. Don't you break my cover, now.]

After the funny show, Rin was gnawing tree bark.

Jaken found her, and shook his head sadly. Surely she had not starved so under Sesshoumaru-sama's care? Not that he'd really liked to look at the kid when Sesshoumaru was around. Come to think of it, Sesshoumaru did make him feed her weekly.

"Jaken-sama!" Rin said, spitting out a chunk of bark. "Why have you not been there to serve Sesshoumaru-sama? Only Jaken-sama knows how he likes his tea, and this morning, Sesshoumaru-sama poured three cups of it on Ginta-san, because it tasted yucky!"

"Rin," he said, "I want you to meet someone." He motioned toward Naraku, standing there with his pelt draped off his shoulders, and trying to smile. The effect was that of a six-year-old getting their picture taken.

"Jaken-sama!" she gasped. "That's a bad man!"

"Ah, bad men do have the best candy," Jaken said longingly, sending Naraku a look that made him shudder.

"Candy?" Rin perked up.

"You told me she likes rice balls," Naraku hissed at Jaken.

"She likes everything! Give her the rice ball!" Jaken said, fervently hoping he was right.

Naraku handed her the rice ball, the corners of his mouth starting to twitch from the effort of so much smiling. "A gift, to a friend of Sesshouma—"

"MINE!" Rin declared, snatching the rice ball away from him and wolfing it down. "More please."

Jaken and Naraku exchanged glances.

"There will be more," Naraku said smoothly, "at my great banquet. There will be food for everyone. You must invite the youkai Sesshoumaru and Kouga."

Rin drooled. "Foood."

"Yes, food," Naraku said, feeling like smiling one more minute would break his face.

"But," Rin said, snapping out of it a little. "whose banquet will I tell them it is?"

"It doesn't matter, tell them anything, tell them it is a great lord."

Rin's nose scrunched up. "Are you trying to kill them?"

Naraku forced an even bigger smile, showing a frightening amount of teeth. "Jaken, help me out," he said under his breath.

"Don't worry your little head about it, if I say it's all right, then it's all right," Jaken said reassuringly. Should've brought another rice ball, he thought angrily to himself.

"Jaken-sama... is the bad man your boyfriend?" Rin asked innocently.

Jaken blushed. "Well, he hasn't said so much yet, but..."

Naraku's foot ached with the effort of restraining it. He smiled, and twitched.

[Author SMASH! Author want spaces!]

"I don't know if I can handle this," Inuyasha said, taking Kagome aside.

"What do you mean?" Kagome asked reasonably. "It's not as if we were boyfriend and girlfriend."

"I just... I think I'm going to go to Toutousai's for a while."

"Toutousai? I can't believe this! What's he got over me? You don't think he's better looking, do you?"

Inuyasha gagged. "No, no," he explained, "I'm going there for _training_. I'm going to train with my big, thrusty sword, and work through all the complexes you and my brother gave me."

"But what about Naraku?"

Inuyasha sighed. "I can't focus now. I keep picturing my brother and that stinking wolf, and now you with.... Anyway, this will be best in the long run."

Kagome pouted. "I suppose... you stay away from that Kikyou, now."

Inuyasha opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Kagome's wail.

Kouga was there in a flash.

Kagome had found Shippou lying limp in a ditch. She cradled him, and shouted some things about the cruelty of the world, and woke poor Shippou up rather rudely from a nice dream about strawberries.

"Meh, Kagome?" Shippou asked, rubbing his eyes.

Kagome smothered him to her chest in relief. "Oh, I'm going to kill Miroku and Sango for not watching you better!"

"No," Kouga said, "you're gonna kill that kid, if you don't give him some air."

Kagome blushed and loosened her hold. "Where are those two, anyway? Inuyasha, can't you pick up their scent?"

"Sure, Kagome, I'll—hey, wait, why do I always gotta do it? Kouga's got a nose, too, you know!"

"Yeah," Kouga countered, "but you'd know what your pack smells like better than I would!"

"Keh."

"Oh, look, isn't that Kilala?" Kagome pointed out. "We can follow her."

Shippou raided Kagome's pockets as they followed Kilala. "Oh, look!" he exclaimed. "They're playing a game!"

Kagome covered his eyes.

Kouga covered Kagome's eyes.

Sango blushed wildly, and tried to shove an uncooperative Miroku off of her.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!" Inuyasha exclaimed, his shaking hands clutching Tessaiga for comfort.

"Can I play too?" Shippou said, trying to pry Kagome's hands off.

"This, um, isn't what it looks like," Miroku said diplomatically.

"Looks like Kouga's hand to me," Kagome said, annoyed.

"I'm sorry, Kagome, but this isn't for the eyes of the innocent," Kouga said in his silkiest voice.

"That's no innocent!" Inuyasha objected.

"Really, it's innocent!" Miroku insisted. "I was, ah, giving her a back massage!"

"Looked more like a front massage from here," Kouga said dryly.

"Oh, don't pretend you understand the birds and the bees, you ignoramus!" Inuyasha said unkindly.

"I've done more than you have, _virgin_!" Kouga retorted.

"Not as much as me, though," Miroku pointed out. Sango kicked him in the shins.

"How do you know?" Inuyasha asked indignantly.

"You told me it wasn't like that between you and Kikyou!" Kagome wailed.

Inuyasha looked like a hunted beast. "I think I need to train with my sword NOW," he said, stomping off.

"FINE, I'm going HOME!" Kagome yelled after him before storming off in the other direction, Shippou bouncing on her shoulder.

"Do they always do this, or just when I'm around?" Kouga asked perceptively.

"I can't take this," Sango said, "I'm going back to my village for a while, to think things through."

"But baby, we didn't finish!" Miroku moaned. Sango swung Hiraikotsu over her shoulder, barely missing him, mounted Kilala, and left.

"So, uh, Kouga," Miroku said, "You and Sesshoumaru aren't an item anymore, right? So, if I wanted to court him, it would be—"

Kouga punched him, and ran off towards his cave.

"Right then," Miroku said, rubbing his various bruises.

[This is yet another space. Since the story's done, let me tell you that this is my third upload of the same chapter, and I can't get any kind of placeholders to work. Fanfiction dot net HATES me! sob]

**[A/N- Next up! Naraku's marital counseling, Inuyasha's "training," and Rin gets a balanced meal, possibly for the first time. Should be fun!**

**This chapter was the hardest to write, as it's something of a transitional chapter. That's part of why it took so long. Next one _should_ come sooner. I'm still not entirely satisfied with this one, but... eh.**

**And yes, I expect flames for Trannie!Kagome. Bring it on. At least you didn't see it coming.**

**Does anyone think I should boost the rating? All this stuff's meant to be mild, and in good fun, but it's bordering on Mel Brooks style, here. All you need is the genital-shaped helmets from Spaceballs, and you're set. If people tell me this is too much for PG-13, I will respect it.**

**Oh, and if anyone wants to read character memes for Sesshoumaru and Kouga, I have them on my Livejournal. http : www . livejournal . com / users / shiinabambi. You'll have to take out the spaces. This site no like linkies. ]**


	5. How May I Hurt You?

Disclaimer: Just because I forgot a disclaimer until the fifth chapter doesn't make it any less valid. Behold the power of the printed word!

Ahem. Don't own, don't sue. Especially not Mary Sue. But I might be able to cope if you sued the pants off me. Please? And the knickers while you're at it.

* * *

Kouga really needed to consult his minions.

So where the hell were they?

He paced the cave, trying to think, which had never really been his forte.

Dammit, he'd always thought being dashing and charming, and strongest of his pack would be enough. Why wasn't it?

Sesshoumaru gazed at him coolly. "If you really think we need an irrigation trench in the cave, there are faster ways to do it."

"Huh?" Kouga said. "Oh... the pacing." He stopped and frowned at Sesshoumaru. "You're not helping, you know."

Sesshoumaru inspected his nails.

"You and the brat have been trouble right from the start."

Sesshoumaru showed the beginnings of a glare. "Interesting, coming from the man who goes around kissing and marrying people willy-nilly."

Kouga didn't have a defense for that, so he said, "Did you just say 'willy-nilly?'"

Sesshoumaru scowled. "Just tell me your problem, you obviously want to."

Kouga sat down beside his 'wife,' and sighed. "What do you think of Kagome?"

"I'm prettier than her," Sesshoumaru deadpanned.

Kouga smiled a little.

"If you want something," Sesshoumaru advised at last, "you should take it. Never second guess yourself, your heart usually has a good reason for wanting it. Don't worry about the future, it's rarely as you imagined it, anyway. The most any of us can do is keep happy in the present."

"Wow, where'd you learn that?"

"Just a little trick called 'thinking things through.'"

Kouga shrugged. "Never heard of it," he said, leaning in to kiss.

Of course, that's exactly when Ginta and Hakkaku came stumbling in, with twigs and reeds in their hair.

Neither Kouga nor Sesshoumaru showed any intention of stopping. They were alphas, after all. Their needs came first. Though Kouga commended them mentally on their rotten timing.

Ginta tilted his head, and inspected the scene as if it were a fascinating experiment, with an unpredictable outcome.

"Come on, that's not nice," Hakkaku said, dragging a reluctant Ginta away by the arm.

At that inopportune moment, Rin came prancing over. "Sesshoumaru-sama?" she called uncertainly.

"He's busy now, little girl," Hakkaku explained.

Rin pouted.

The mighty wolf-youkai backed away from her little-girl wrath.

"Th-there's no need to get angry," Hakkaku said trembling.

"Rin want to see Sesshoumaru-sama _now_," she demanded, stomping her little foot imperiously. "It's about _food_."

"Oi, Kouga!" Ginta said loud enough to be heard in the den. "Look out, the brat's coming in!"

Groans of disappointment were heard, and a hasty "Get your hand out of there."

Rin shrugged and went in.

Sesshoumaru and Kouga were standing apart, the latter was tugging the furs he wore into their proper arrangement.

"What's up, kid?" Kouga asked, trying to be nice.

Rin stuck her tongue out at him.

"Rin," Sesshoumaru said softly.

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama!" she piped up eagerly.

"What was so urgent you had to interrupt my important business?"

"Ah, sorry Sesshoumaru-sama! But there was a creepy man in the woods, and he fed me, and maybe he was Jaken's boyfriend, and he had a lot of teeth, and the rice-ball was yummy, and he said to meet him tonight on Aoyama, for a banquet! Can we please please go, 'cause tree bark hurts my tummy!" she said in a breathless rush.

Kouga and Sesshoumaru exchanged glances.

"What do you think?" Kouga asked.

"Well, she might sleep better tonight on a full stomach. And, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to meet the neighbors," Sesshoumaru replied.

"You know, it's probably Naraku." Kouga said. "He's been trying to kill me for a while, now."

"Oh, you too?" Sesshoumaru said. "Well, if it's him, we can always kill him."

"And then can we take all his food?" Rin asked hopefully.

Sesshoumaru patted her head. "That's my girl."

s

p

a

c

e

After defeating yet another mindless mononoke, Inuyasha leaned on his sword. He felt sometimes like Tessaiga was the last thing in this world he could rely on. It might seem small and worthless, but it grew many times its original size when the need arose, thrusting proudly from its small patch of fur, ready to penetrate any foe. This had always seemed so right to him, for a reason he couldn't quite put his finger on.

Inuyasha continued on his way, singing a lullaby to himself that his mother had often put him to sleep with. It was a guilty pleasure, but comforting to him.

"Boyano komoriwa dokoe it ta

Anoyama koete satoe it ta 

Sato no miyage ni nani morata

Denden taikoni sho no fue

Sho no fue"

[What will she bring baby

when she does come?

A flute so lovely

and a thunderous drum.

And a thunderous drum.]

Then, over the next hill, was Toutousai's abode. And Toutousai himself. Dressed as a geisha. Dancing.

Inuyasha choked, and clung to his sword like a teddy bear.

Toutousai sauntered over. "And who might this young specimen be? Say, didn't I make that sword?"

Inuyasha watched the old swordmaster's hips sway, and whimpered. He held Tessaiga at arm's length between them. "D-Don't you remember me? I'm Inuyasha! And I'm all man, okay?"

"Inu-yasha," Toutousai turned over thoughtfully. "Nope, not a clue. I remember an Inutaishou like it was yesterday, though." He got a disturbing look in his eye, and licked his lips.

"My fa—No, no, I do _not_ want to know."

"Well, you didn't come here to reminisce, and you didn't come here to dance" here he looked Inuyasha up and down, "...unfortunately, so why are you bothering me?"

"I came to train," Inuyasha said, in his manliest voice, "with my big thrusty sword."

Toutousai considered. "Yes, I suppose that could be arranged... I'd want something in return, though."

Well, that wasn't too unreasonable, Inuyasha thought, missing the suggestive tone in Toutousai's voice. "I'd be willing to do chores and such of course," he said, "fix up the cave, build you an outhouse, whatever needs doing."

"Oh, Inu-whatever!" Toutousai declared, clutching his geisha heart. "It's _me_ that needs doing!"

Inuyasha blinked. No, he did not just hear that. Close your eyes and it'll go away. _Nen nen kororiyo okororiyo..._ I can't hear you....

"I'll train your sword... Won't you make a woman out of me?" Toutousai pleaded, coming closer.

Inuyasha vomited.

Toutousai held his hair thoughtfully. "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, I wish," Inuyasha groaned, "I wish."

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"I had a thought," Kouga said, index finger in the air.

"Was it lonely?"

Kouga blinked. "Um, _yes_, but... oh, great, now you've distracted me."

Sesshoumaru smiled a little.

They approached the designated place, a modest mansion. Rin happily skipped to the door.

"Rin, wait," Sesshoumaru said, not wanting her to go in first without knowing what was in there. Then, not wanting it to be obvious how much he cared about her, he added, "Did I raise you in a barn?"

Rin pouted. "No, Sesshoumaru-sama, you raised me in the woods."

"Because the woods are just famous for their high-class manners," Kouga said, smirking.

Rin wiped her nose on her sleeve. "Mamaners?" she said, perplexed.

Sesshoumaru facepalmed. "Let's just go meet this fellow, shall we?" he said, opening the door hurriedly.

And stood face to face with no other than Jaken. Or face to shins, anyway. "Oh, my lord, you've come!" Jaken declared, gluing himself to his true love.

While Sesshoumaru was thus detained, Rin shot past him, and buried herself in food.

"I'm so glad you've arrived," said a voice far too beautiful to be kind. "please, have a seat, help yourselves. There are many things to discuss."

Kouga bristled. Sesshoumaru stopped trying to disengage his loyal vassal, and looked up, an unreadable expression on his face.

"I swore I'd kill you, Naraku," Kouga snarled.

"Troglodyte," Naraku sneered, "I've come here in peace, would you be the one to break that? I see only two wolves with you, one human child, and a dog, this seems hardly the time for you to pick a fight." He glared meaningfully at all of them, Ginta and Hakkaku shrank behind Kouga, who considered carefully, Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes, and Rin stuffed her face, not having heard a word of that.

One by one they sat down, not taking their eyes off Naraku.

"So..." Naraku began awkwardly, fumbling for an icebreaker. "I hear your marriage has been rather rocky. Care to ask for advice on anything?"

"Oh, like you'd know anything about marriage," Kouga spat.

"Well, admittedly, I haven't taken the plunge," Naraku said somewhat nervously, "but I know a thing or two about keeping a mate in line. Isn't that right, Kagura?"

Kagura glared daggers at him from her black eye. "Monster."

Naraku chuckled. "Quite. But you see, she'd never lie to me, because I'd torture her horribly, and I already know what gender she is, because I made her myself! It's the ideal relationship."

"Spare us," Sesshoumaru drawled. "You can't even handle Jaken, you pathetic weakling."

"This miserable servant is so very sorry, master, he used his feminine wiles on me, he did!" Jaken moaned wretchedly.

"Shut up, you will be dealt with later," Sesshoumaru snapped. Jaken cringed.

Kouga scratched his head. "Wait a minute," he said, "are you two saying that you're so bad at interpersonal relationships, you needed to get a midget to serve you sex in the night?"

Naraku looked offended. "It's hard being evil! No one likes me!"

Kagura spit in a cup of tea, and served her master with a smile.

"Ah, Kagura," he said, looking for someone to torment. "Dance for our guests, will you?"

"Bite me."

"Quite," Naraku said, twitching. He grabbed her by the hair, and hissed something in her ear about "...in front of company."

"Get Kohaku to do it," she pleaded.

"Kohaku's dead," Naraku argued. "You have better rhythm than he does."

"Look at him, arguing with his own incarnation," Kouga snickered.

"Whi-caw!" Ginta said gleefully, miming a whip.

Sesshoumaru ran his fingers through his bangs.

"Kanna will be providing the night's entertainment," Naraku announced at last.

"No need," Kouga said confidently, "your little lover's spat has been as entertaining as we could wish for."

Ginta and Hakkaku hooted in a crude chorus.

Naraku cast Kagura his 'I will _burn_ you' look.

Sesshoumaru took notes.

Rin looked around uncertainly. "Is this kind of food all right, Sesshoumaru-sama?" she asked, having never had meat before.

Sesshoumaru nodded, so she ate it. She looked at him in amazement when she tasted it. Hungrily, she reached for a similar platter, but Sesshoumaru held out his hand and shook his head.

"What's wrong with it," Kouga whispered to him, "is it poisoned?"

"No," Sesshoumaru replied, "but it's human."

"What's wrong with that? I love humans, they're delic—" he wilted under Sesshoumaru's glare. "I suppose that would be kind of wrong. For her to eat it, I mean."

When he thought Sesshoumaru wasn't looking, he reached for the food in question, though.

Rin passed out from over-stuffing herself, and nearly drowned in a bowl of soup, luckily, Sesshoumaru had been keeping an eye on her, and came to her rescue.

"Take her to the cave and put her to bed," Sesshoumaru said, passing the sticky mess of a child to Ginta.

"Both of you take care of her," Kouga ordered.

The wolves wrinkled up their noses at Rin, and with long-suffering expressions, were off.

"Where is that Kanna, anyhow?" Naraku asked loudly. "Kagura, haven't you fetched her, yet?" He looked around, and counted heads. "Odd, both she and the troll are—" he stormed off.

From the next room, blows could be heard, and a plaintive call of "It's not easy being green!"

Kouga and Sesshoumaru exchanged glances.

"Perhaps we should have stayed in tonight after all," Sesshoumaru said, irked.

"Are you kidding?" Kouga said incredulously, grinning from ear to ear. "I wouldn't miss this show for the world!"

Sesshoumaru started in on the saké, and got ready for a long night.

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**[A/N- So, what happens when you have a drunk Sesshoumaru, a frisky Jaken, entertainment by Kanna, and a senile old man dressed as a geisha? Well, not Inuyasha's sanity, I'll tell you that. Next time!**

**Q&A:**

**Q- Why did you take so long to write this?**

**Because I was busy writing Kohaku/Kanna, and Kohaku/Sango.**

**Q- Interesting. Why are you such a sick fuck?**

**Wow, that's exactly what my mom said! Did she send you?**

**Q- Fine then. Why didn't you at least send this chapter as soon as you finished it, instead of hanging on to it a day or two?**

**Hello, evil? Also I was sleeping.**

**Q- For twenty-six hours???**

**Yes. Funny story about that. Only I'm not going to tell you. But it's funny.**

**Oh, and the lullaby Inuyasha sings is Edo Komoriuta, a traditional Japanese lullaby. Since Edo is the old name for Tokyo, I figure it's reasonable that Inuyasha's mom sung him this as a child. And I get a gold star for research!**

**Rin hasn't had meat because Japan was largely Buddhist at the time. Pork was occasionally used to fend off malnutrition, but it was for the rich, and since Rin seems to have been poor even before she was orphaned, I doubt she'd had any. Fish doesn't count, that was allowed, and she is seen fishing in the show.**

**I wibbled some more over the rating, but if Lexx was TV-14, then this is PG-13, as it's lighthearted, naughtiness is generally implied, and, um, Xev's outfit. Wait, Kagome's skirt.**

**Now all I can think about is Xev's outfit and Kagome's skirt. Gee thanks.]**


	6. Tentacles and Anime Just Shouldn't Mix

Disclaimer: Okay, technically you could probably sue me for this, but I. Have. No. Money. Can't get blood from a stone, peoples.

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"You're senile."

"What's that? Oh, no, I don't think that's true..." Toutousai said with his eyes crossed, trying to catch an invisible firefly.

"Well, you're insane, then," Inuyasha countered.

"Hmm," Toutousai considered. "No, I don't think so. Maybe it's _you_ that is insane!"

Inuyasha was about to knock Toutousai right on his senile head, but seemed to think the better of touching him.

"Right," Inuyasha said. "But none of this is my fault, okay? You were like this before I got to you.—Hey, has a guy in a baboon pelt been here? He might have done this. Not sure it's his style, but..." –he glanced at Toutousai, who fanned himself, and sent Inuyasha a 'come hither' look– "...he's certainly evil enough."

"I'm under a spell," Toutousai said dramatically. "Yes, it must have been your baboon man, or whatever. There's only one way to break it... a kiss!"

"You're joking."

"And, you know, if the kiss _doesn't_ work, for some reason, we should just keep going, and see what happens."

"How could you even want to kiss me? I just threw up!" Inuyasha said incredulously.

"Eh, I've had worse." He puckered up and advanced on Inuyasha.

Inuyasha fled up a tree, like a cornered raccoon. "Look, Toutousai! You're barking up the wrong tree! Literally!"

"Mm, Inutaishou used to bark," Toutousai said dreamily.

"No, please, I'm gonna hurl again," Inuyasha whimpered. "Scary mental place!"

"Well, you are carrying his sword, the one I made for him," Toutousai pointed out. "Out of his tooth no less, the kinky old dog. Ooh, we had some good times when I was making that sword... He said to make it like a fang, but really I modeled it after my favorite part of his body... ooh, just _thinking_ about it gives me shivers!"

Inuyasha held out Tessaiga like it had betrayed him. "Fine! Take it! Take the sword!" He hurled Tessaiga to the ground. "Take everything!" He pulled off his haori and threw that to Toutousai too. "Take the clothes off my back! Take my sanity! Hell, take Kagome, she'd probably love you! Take my brother—if you haven't already! Take my respect for my father! Take my lunch! Take my hair! Here!" He ripped out a clump and tossed that, too. "But you'll never have me!" He jumped into the air, and ran through the trees, cackling.

Toutousai blinked, put on Inuyasha's haori, put the clump of Inuyasha' hair on his head, and struck a pose with Tessaiga. "Really, I don't understand what's wrong with young people these days," he muttered to himself as he sauntered away.

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Kouga clapped enthusiastically. "Dog-turd deserves what he got!"

As Sesshoumaru drank his saké, he wondered if Tenseiga would cure him if he went blind.

"Oh, sorry," Kouga said. "That's your brother, I keep forgetting."

"Don't worry," Sesshoumaru slurred, "I can't shtand him either."

"Is there anything else you'd like to see?" Kanna asked in her empty little voice.

"Saké!" Sesshoumaru demanded, holding up his saucer. An image of saké appeared on her mirror. Sesshoumaru frowned. "No, that will not do."

Naraku motioned to Kagura, who poured Sesshoumaru his saké, and seemed intent on pouring herself all over him in the process.

Somehow, her kimono was coming undone and slipping off her, Sesshoumaru had half a mind to demand she teach him how to do that, until Kagura found just the right angle to show off her cleavage. Sesshoumaru's eyebrow twitched, and he helped himself to saké straight from the jug.

"How about you show me Kagome now?" Kouga requested. The mirror swirled, and Kouga squinted, trying to make out what he was seeing. "What _is_ that? Another hanyou? Boy, that girl can pick them, huh?"

"Boygirl," Sesshoumaru said, and laughed until saké came out his nose.

Kagura, who was draped over his lap like a cat, looked up at him warmly. "I'm so glad you feel comfortable enough in my presence to laugh like that! Why don't you go kill Naraku as painfully as possible, so we can make love for days on end?"

"Kouga, I've got one of those _things_ on me, whatdoyoucallthem?" Sesshoumaru said somewhat desperately.

"What, a woman?"

"That might have been it. Just get it off."

"Uh-huh, Kagura, leave my alcoholic wife alone," Kouga said disinterestedly, watching Kanna's mirror. "Say, what's his demon half, a horse?"

Inside the mirror, Kagome was trying to give something very big a hug. "I'm so glad I met you, Jinenji!" she declared. "I might have gone home forever, but now I've found someone who can appreciate me for who I am!"

"Oh, Kagome!" Jinenji said in equally dramatic tones. "I love you so much, but I don't deserve you!"

"Damn right you don't!" Kouga said, shaking a drumstick at the mirror.

Kagura perked up. "I see at least one of you is a man," she said, with a scornful glance at Sesshoumaru. "If you kill Naraku for me, I'll be your love slave forever and ever!"

"Kagura," Naraku said sternly. "If you continue to offer your charms in exchange for my death, you _will_ be gagged. Leave our guests alone."

"I am determined to prove my love to you!" Kagome proclaimed proudly from the mirror. "Just let me take a few yoga classes, okay?"

Jaken snorted. "That doesn't work, I've tried it."

"I'm sick of watching this," Kouga said. "Why did you want us here, anyway, Naraku? And it had better not be another trap."

Naraku nodded. "Yes, you have eaten, you have been entertained, some more than others, (here he glared at Jaken) I suppose I should get to the point. Kagura, Kanna, you may leave."

Kagura sprung up happily and headed outside. "No, Kagura. You may leave the _room._ I wasn't setting you free."

Kagura groaned, and left the room, dragging her feet.

Sesshoumaru chewed on his empty saké saucer idly.

"So," Naraku said, "to be perfectly blunt, I want you inside me."

Kouga fell over.

"He doeshn't mean _that_," Sesshoumaru said around his saucer. "he jusht wantsht to abshorb ush, for our great demon shtrength."

"Can't it be both?" Naraku said, fluttering his over-powdered eyes at them.

"No, that's completely disgusting!" Kouga said, outraged. "I'm not even sure which is worse, but they're both unthinkable! Come on Fluffy, we're getting out of here."

"Fluffy?" Sesshoumaru asked, taking the saucer out of his mouth. "I don't recall giving you permisshimushon to call this Sesshoumaru Fluffy."

"Aw, you're so cute when you're blitzed out of your mind!" Kouga said, smiling. "But come on, we're leaving."

Casting a last wistful look at Naraku, Jaken got to his feet and made ready to leave. But it was not to be.

A mass of tentacles appeared from under Naraku's robes, holding the doors closed, and grabbing hold of Kouga and Sesshoumaru. Kouga fought them bravely, and tore several up before he was immobilized, Sesshoumaru drew Tenseiga by mistake, and so was caught.

"What about meeee!" Jaken wailed miserably. Naraku grabbed him with a tentacle, and threw him out the window.

"Phooey," Jaken said, in the middle of the woods yet again. "Sesshoumaru-sama has all the fun."

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Inuyasha was ricocheting from tree to tree like a madman, when he stumbled upon none other than Kikyou.

"Kikyou!" he exclaimed, embracing her so forcefully she nearly lost her balance. "I made up my mind! Let's go to hell!"

Kikyou blinked. "Now? But there's a guy in the next village who owes me twenty mon!"

Inuyasha stared at her. "Kikyou, what do you care about money? Hurry up, there's no time like the present to spend eternity in torment!"

"Well, actually," Kikyou said, playing with her fingers, "I got all these trust issues, about the time I thought you ran me through with your claws and _killed_ me, so—"

"Are you still blabbing? You really do have Kagome's soul. Come on, take me before I change my mind!" Frustrated, he began digging a pit at their feet.

"Now I remember why I never talked much, no one ever _listens_ to me!" Kikyou said, exasperated. "As I was saying," she winced as Inuyasha accidentally threw dirt in her face while digging, "Inuyasha, cut that out, this is serious! As I was _saying_, I have all these trust issues, so going to hell wasn't so much a good idea, as a test of your love. I had to know you'd do anything for me, even die like I did. Inuyasha, please stop digging, I am talking!"

Inuyasha stopped and looked up at her. "Sorry, I'm just not used to you talking, so I didn't know what to do. Can we go to hell now?"

Kikyou sighed dramatically. "Fine. We'll go to hell. Come on, it's this way," she said, walking off.

"What, you're not going to do your swirly voosh abyss thing?" Inuyasha whined. "It's got to be a lot faster than walking!"

"I feel like walking today. Are you coming?"

Inuyasha got up and followed her. "This has got to be the most boring way to get to hell _ever_," he grumbled.

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After walking and walking, and you guessed it, some more walking, Kikyou and Inuyasha arrived at a rather big house.

"So," Kikyou said. "This is hell. You still want to go?"

"_This?_" Inuyasha said incredulously. "No way this is hell. It's just some old house!"

"I assure you, hell is inside that house."

Inuyasha looked at Kikyou like he didn't believe her. She held her ground. "Okay, this I have to see." He strutted right up to the house, and flung the door wide open. His jaw dropped at what he saw.

"See, I _told _you," Kikyou said, peeking over his shoulder.

Inside, Naraku had Sesshoumaru and Kouga in his evil clutches, and was laughing maniacally. "You get your filthy tentacles OFF her, she's married!" Kouga demanded.

Sesshoumaru stopped slashing with Tenseiga and glared at Kouga with all his drunken might. "She?"

"I mean, him, he's! Sorry, Fluffy, I forget sometimes!"

Sesshoumaru shrieked as his boa was taken from him by a tentacle.

Naraku, noticing the interlopers at last, glared, and said, "You were not invited. This is our threesome, get lost. Especially the girl."

"But I'm _Kikyou_, the one you lusted after for fifty-odd years!" Kikyou said incredulously.

"Whatever, I'm not in the mood for women today. I have Kagura for that." He looked over Inuyasha appraisingly. "You, hanyou. You're not that bad, get over here and make out with the wolf's wife, I think that would turn me on."

Inuyasha buried his face in Kikyou's bosom, and cried like a girl.

"Come on, Inuyasha," Kikyou said at length, "hell doesn't want us, we should leave."

"You took... my boa," Sesshoumaru said, shocked. "You bastard, you took my BOA!"

"Yo, dog turd! I think you forgot to save us!" Kouga called down.

"Wait," Inuyasha said, sniffling. "You mean, by hell, you meant Naraku?"

"Well, yes, Naraku means hell in Japanese, you know."

"But.." Inuyasha said, his eyes crossing, "if we are _speaking_ Japanese, then wouldn't I know that? And moreover, how were we able to have that conversation? Are we even speaking Japanese? I always—"

"Trust me," Kikyou said, "It's better not to think about it."

"That's becoming my policy on just about everything," Inuyasha said, walking away arm in arm with Kikyou, ignoring Kouga's screams for help.

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**Boy, that was a long chapter. So I'll make the AN short. Bye.**


	7. Concerning Naraku's Marbles

Disclaimer! Wait, why am I writing a disclaimer? This is a parody, and as such, is protected under fair use. But maybe some sexeh hunk of lawyer will sue the pants off me just the same. Tee hee hee. You know you're sick when you lust after lawyers.

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"Boy, your brother doesn't care about you much, does he?" Kouga said bitterly, awaiting unspeakable violation, and possibly death. Not necessarily in that order.

"My boa is gone. I don't want to live," Sesshoumaru moaned.

Just then, the door collapsed, and an armored woman riding a firecat and wielding a giant boomerang burst in.

"Oh, it's a demon slayer!" Kouga proclaimed happily. "She'll save us!"

"But we're demonsh," Sesshoumaru pointed out.

"Oh, I forgot about that. Naraku, save us!"

"Die, Naraku!" Sango shouted fearlessly.

Naraku dropped his prey unceremoniously, and scuttled into the next room. Sango followed warily.

"I don't undermashand. Why doesn't he juss kill her?" Sesshoumaru tried to articulate.

"I don't know, maybe he's too drunk to know any better. Let's just scram while the getting's good."

"No," Sesshoumaru said petulantly. "This Sesshoumaru wantsh his boa."

Kouga sighed and listened at the door. Naraku and Sango were talking of all things.

"No, I absolutely will not take forty ryo from you!" Sango said, incensed.

"A hundred then! What will it take? No one can know about this!"

"How about this," Sango suggested. "We fight to the death, and if you win, I won't tell anyone anything. If I win, I will tell, but you won't care anymore. Sound good? Good! Let's fight!"

Naraku cringed. "You're really terrifying when you're angry."

"When did Naraku become such a pussy?" Kouga muttered under his breath.

"He ish part Neko-Youkai, you know," Sesshoumaru said.

"Oh, look, it's your brother Kohaku!" Naraku declared, and promptly ran the other way. A giant white feather with four people crammed on it sailed by the window.

Sesshoumaru growled low in his throat, his eyes turning red. "He hash my boa. I'll have his guts for garters."

Kouga blinked. "You wear garters? No, I'm not even going to pretend to be surprised."

Sango mounted Kilala, and went after her rather cowardly archnemesis.

"I think I get it," Kouga muttered. "He had to come here himself, if he wanted to get laid. But he's used to hiding behind puppets all the time, so he's scared of getting his real body hurt." He shook his head. "Let's just go home, okay? He's gone now."

"My boa _is_ my home. It's everything to me."

"I thought I was everything to you."

Sesshoumaru snorted.

"Not even the kid?"

"What ki—oh, I see what you mean. No, boa."

Kouga rested his forehead on his hand. "I see you're going after it... I suppose you need defending. Let's go."

Sesshoumaru pointed Tenseiga proudly in the air. "Then let the quest begin!"

"I hate my life," Kouga lamented, trudging off into the dust with Sesshoumaru leaning on him heavily.

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"Pervert," Inuyasha said, grinning.

Miroku looked from Inuyasha to Kikyou and back again. "Two-timing scum of the earth."

They embraced in a manly show of love. "Fancy finding you here," Inuyasha said, smiling. "How are Kagome and the others?"

"What others," Miroku said, puzzled. "I've been alone since we split up. Well, not alone alone, there've been _girls_, but no one whose name I knew." He winked, but Inuyasha did not smile.

"You mean you don't know where they are?"

"Kagome's probably in her world by now," Miroku reasoned. "She'd have left Shippou with Kaede, he's safe there. And Sango can take care of herself. As long as she doesn't do anything stupid like go after Naraku."

Inuyasha considered, then grinned. "Yeah, who needs them, anyway. I've got a better shard detector right here. Sense any shards, Kikyou-chan?" he asked, putting his arm around her waist possessively.

'Kikyou-chan,' who had been listening the whole time, turned to him haughtily. "I will not aid you in gathering my treasure, the Shikon, which you will obviously misuse."

"As opposed to what Naraku will do with it?" Inuyasha said furiously.

"I had a plan for Naraku. That's why I gave him the shards."

"See, see?" Inuyasha said defensively to Miroku, who politely declined to comment. "She had a plan, she wasn't betraying us! You tell him, Kikyou!"

"Well," Kikyou said, playing with her fingers nervously, "I realized there was a fatal _flaw_ in my plan, right after I gave him the shards. It was a mistake anyone could have made."

"Could the 'flaw' have been that you GAVE NARAKU OUR SHARDS???" Inuyasha bellowed.

Kikyou smiled crookedly. "Wow, you're so perceptive!"

"Maybe you should have stuck with the _sane_ shard detector," Miroku said, awkwardly scratching his head.

"She was better before she died, you know," Inuyasha said sadly.

Miroku patted him on the back. "Most of us are. But we still need to—"

"Fine, fine, let's go find Kagome," Inuyasha resigned.

"What about her?" Miroku asked, glancing at Kikyou.

"What about?" Inuyasha said obliviously, walking off.

"He heh, I like the way that boy thinks," Miroku chuckled to himself, groping Kikyou's bottom, and receiving the appropriate slap. _Still not as hard as Sango's,_ he thought mournfully.

However, finding Kagome wasn't as easy as they thought it would be. After a precursory sweep of the village, Inuyasha went down the well, with Miroku trying to explain to Kikyou why this was okay. After about an hour, he emerged.

"Shit," Inuyasha said, eyes wide. "I think I lost their daughter."

"You mean her family hasn't seen her?" Miroku said, worried, and, incidentally, covered in bruises. Kikyou smiled brightly.

"What am I going to do?" Inuyasha groaned, sitting on the edge of the well, and massaging his temples. "They'll think she's dead, hell, what if she is? Her mom's gonna _kill_ me!"

Miroku stroked his jaw, scheming. "What you need to do, now, is find a girl that looks just like her."

"Great," Inuyasha said, "where am I gonna find—" he stopped, following Miroku's glance to Kikyou. "Yes," he said, "that could work. Miroku, you saved my life!"

Kikyou backed away slowly. "You—you wouldn't. No."

"Kikyou," Inuyasha whined, "if you don't do this, I won't be your friend."

Kikyou's lip trembled. "But—but!"

"Great! Now first, we need to get you a tan, and mess up your hair some, and ooh, look surprised for me."

"I _am_ surprised."

"No, that's pissed. I need your eyes open wide," Inuyasha said, framing her face with his hands and squinting.

"I hate you, Inuyasha. I hate you so much I love you. Kiss me and drop dead," Kikyou said passionately.

"Sounds like Kagome to me," Miroku said. "Maybe just a little less sultry, and a little more squeaky little girl."

Kikyou attempted Sesshoumaru's death-by-glare trick.

"Um, good, Kikyou, just a smidge wider," Inuyasha said unhelpfully.

Kikyou forced her eyes wider and Miroku doubled over. "Shit, Inuyasha, don't tell her to do that while she's trying to glare me to death!" Miroku said, trying to get out of the line of fire.

Kikyou stepped forward woodenly, holding her eyes open as far as they would go, whatever plants she happened to look at wilting.

"Um, Kagome does that, I think," Inuyasha said, hoping. "Let's get her tanned, quick, so we can give her back to her 'family.'"

Somewhere in the mountains, the real Kagome was enjoying a cup of herbal tea with Jinenji.

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After mutilating a Portuguese drinking song, Sesshoumaru convinced Kouga he had to be carried. Oh, there were advantages to this. Jaken never carried him. Jaken never had such firm, rippling muscles. Jaken never... dropped him like a sack of potatoes? What the—

Sesshoumaru looked up, and saw Sango trying to brain Kouga with Hiraikotsu. "Have you sheen my boa?" he slurred at her.

Sango frowned at him. "I've had enough of this lisp. Spit those marbles out right now, young man," she said sternly. Sesshoumaru spit several marbles into his hand.

"What, you mean you weren't drunk?" Kouga asked.

"Oh, I was drunk," Sesshoumaru said. "You'd have to be drunk to stick marbles in your mouth, think about it."

Kouga did. "Yeah, but where did you get them?"

"They're Naraku's. I've been stealing them for years."

"This actually explains a lot," Sango said.

"No it doesn't," Kouga countered, "It's insane!"

"That too," Sesshoumaru said, getting up and kissing Kouga unexpectedly. Kouga leaned into the kiss, but suddenly his expression changed, and he jerked back, and spit out a marble.

"Well, thanks to you two, Naraku's completely lost his marbles," Sango said. "Any more reasons I should kill you?"

"Wait, wait, don't kill me, I'm a friend of Kagome's!" Kouga said, holding his hands out what he hoped was a calming gesture.

"Right, didn't you meet her after slaughtering an entire village? And you, Sesshoumaru... well, I don't remember you killing anyone, but I'm sure you're evil."

"Taijiya," Sesshoumaru said thoughtfully, "how did you know where to find Naraku's love nest?"

Sango blushed. "It—it isn't what it looks like!"

"I won't tell if you won't," Sesshoumaru said kindly.

"Okay." Sango said, smiling a little. "That's good to know, in case I can't kill you." She tried to lift Hiraikotsu, groaned, and sat down. "Can I kill you later? I pulled my shoulder falling off Kilala."

"Oh, of course!" Kouga said, glad to not have to fight the taijiya then and there.

"Idiot, don't say yes to that," Sesshoumaru scolded.

"Where _are_ we, anyway?" Kouga asked, looking around. "This is past my territory."

Sango looked around too. "I don't recognize anything."

"This is my territory, the Western Lands," Sesshoumaru said.

"West of what, exactly," Kouga asked. "Weren't we going northeast?"

"West of the rising sun," Sesshoumaru said, giving the same answer his father had given him.

"So, what, you own the entire world?" Kouga said in disbelief.

"Pretty much."

"Sounds more like you don't own a thing, and you wander all over making big claims," Sango cut in.

"I own my boa," Sesshoumaru said, pouting. "Or I did. And I own Jaken. Unless he's betrayed me for Naraku. Damn him, he's taken my best accessories. At least I still have his marbles."

"Right, because the only thing better than an evil killing machine with Sesshoumaru's fashion sense is a _psychotic_ evil killing machine with Sesshoumaru's fashion sense,' said Sango.

"Oh, no, he was like that before I got to him," Sesshoumaru explained. "He just used those for kinky sex games."

Kouga started spitting violently.

"I washed them in my saké, it's okay," Sesshoumaru said, patting Kouga on the back. "I'm bored, and all this talk of Naraku's marbles is giving me ideas. You want to do it?"

"That sounds out of character," said Sango, consulting a volume of manga.

"Fine," Sesshoumaru grumbled. "Be the character Gestapo, since you're so faithful to the original yourself, going to Naraku's love nest and all. Kouga, you hunk of inferior demon, get on your knees and service my needs. Was that good enough for you, taijiya?"

"Good enough for me," Kouga said, dropping to his knees.

"Oh, I don't believe this," Sango said. "This would _never_ happen." She paused as Kouga fiddled with Sesshoumaru's sash eagerly.

"It still might not happen if you don't scram," Sesshoumaru growled. "Girls make Sesshoumaru Jr. nervous."

"Right then." Sango blinked. "I think I'll go fix Kagome or something. She's been acting off, too." Sango edged away discreetly, and broke into a run.

"Okay, you're not going to want to hear this," Kouga said, forcing an assured smile.

"What is it?"

"I can't get your sash undone."

"Don't be stupid, let me see—" Sesshoumaru said, swatting Kouga away, and inspecting the knot. "Oh no. It's Jaken's special knot. He must have done it under the table while I was drunk."

"What do we do now?"

"We find Jaken. Before all this saké kicks in."

Kouga cringed, seeing where that was going. "Let me just cut it off," Kouga said, drawing his sword.

"You are not swinging your sword near my goods. I know you wanted me to be a girl," Sesshoumaru said suspiciously. "Anyway, I don't want to ruin my outfit."

"Well, we don't know where we are, and we certainly don't know where Jaken is. I'm sure there's someone who can untie it, here, I smell a village nearby," Kouga offered.

Sesshoumaru sighed. "I just hope no one there knows me."

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"You idiot, I'm burned," a red-faced Kikyou said, fuming.

"It'll do, let's go. Remember, your name is Kagome, you have a mom and a grandpa, a little brother named Souta, and a cat named Buyo. You like pocky, kids, dressing like a hooker and tweaking my ears. Oh, and you were born a boy."

"What?"

"Long story."

"You also like having your rear groped by monks. Be convincing now," Miroku put in.

"But you're not coming with us," Kikyou said, confused.

"I know," Miroku said, molesting. Kikyou slapped Inuyasha.

"What the hell was that for, woman? He was the one who groped you, not me," Inuyasha said, pointing at Miroku.

"And you let him? What kind of a boyfriend are you?" Kikyou demanded.

"Man, I miss modern women."

"The kind that let you keep seeing your ex?" Miroku said wistfully.

Kikyou slapped Inuyasha again. "Gee thanks, Miroku. Why don't you tell her about the time with the noodles, so she can send me to hell for real?"

"Noodles?" Kikyou asked.

"Perfect!" Inuyasha declared, admiring Kikyou's wide-eyed expression. "Let's go quick before you lose it!" He grabbed her wrist and jumped down the well.

Minutes later, Inuyasha was knocking nervously on the door to Kagome's house. Souta answered, his eyes going from Inuyasha to Kikyou uncertainly. "Mom! Grandpa! I think you should get over here!"

Soon everyone was poking Kikyou all over, asking if she was all right. "You should have used sunblock, dear, I know I packed you some. And wherever did your uniform go, those are expensive!" Kagome's mom chided.

"Sunburn!" Kagome's grandpa declared. "Why didn't I think of that!" He pulled out a pen and wrote 'sunburn' on his arm, which was already covered with the names of exotic diseases.

Souta peeked over. "Oh, come on, they won't believe she has leprosy."

"If they believe in my charms and sutras, those fools will believe anything I tell them," the old man said, grinning.

"My," Kagome's mom said dramatically. "Little Kagome is growing up so fast. One moment she's a good little girl doing her homework, the next she looks all grown up, and can't remember where she left her clothes."

Houjou let himself in, carrying an armful of flowers. "Kagome-chan!" he declared, lovestruck. "You're out of bed! My, you look awful though. How did you get a sunburn in lying in a bed, anyway?"

Kikyou eyed Houjou suspiciously. "Hello Souta. I like pocky, kids, dressing like a hooker, and tweaking his ears," she said, gesturing at Inuyasha.

Everyone was quiet a moment. "As you can see," Kagome's grandfather said to Houjou, directing him towards the door, "my granddaughter is not well. Please come by later."

"Truly it is worse than I thought!" Houjou said, handing the flowers to his escort, and leaving looking very worried indeed.

Everyone stared at Kikyou. Even Buyo. Inuyasha nudged her. "Um, 'Kagome,' they're figuring it out, I think you may have to smile," he whispered.

"How can you ask me to smile, when my heart is weighed down with the sorrow of life cut short in its blossom!" she moaned, loud enough for everyone to hear.

Inuyasha smiled nervously, and faced the missing girl's family. "She's just in a bad mood, you know, that time of the month, heh heh heh." He was realizing that Kagome's mother had an impressive collection of heavy, stainless steel woks.

Somewhere in the mountains, five hundred years ago, the real Kagome was playing hide-and-seek with Jinenji, and winning.

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**Next time- Every housewife has a theory on how to get Sesshoumaru's sash open. Meanwhile, Kikyou tries to fit in with the modern world. Like she fits into _any_ world. **

**And yes, this took forever. But I have an alibi. I was writing other stuff. And researching the seven deadly sins first hand. Mostly sloth. **

**If you want to ask the characters questions, go to my question meme, the link is in my profile. Oh, and I will write a Kouga/Sesshoumaru lemon at some point, as part of this story, but I won't go here, so I can be as nasty as I want. I'll update on that as soon as there's anything else to tell.**

**See you all with the next chapter. And yes, it does have an end. We're just not there, yet.**


	8. Fine Young Cannibals

Disclaimer: I intend to plead insanity.

Formatting: I am using haikus to fill the spaces FFN so cruelly denies me. Enjoy, flame, whatever.

(Space Haiku)

(This is the first space)

(The story will begin soon.)

(Sit back and enjoy.)

(/Space Haiku)

"Wait a second," said Kouga. "What else was Jaken doing around your sash area, under the table while you were blitzed out of your mind?"

Sesshoumaru stopped dead in his tracks. "I'll kill the little toad when I find him. I told him it was over between us."

"Kill, yes, wait, 'over with?' As in, there was something to end?"

"I've been taken advantage of," Sesshoumaru lamented. "My beauteous person has been tainted by the hands of the unworthy."

"And speaking of," Kouga said, the gears in his head turning, "since when do you trust some villagers you've never met before with your sash?"

"It is an expensive silk," Sesshoumaru conceded. "Perhaps I should have everyone wash their hands first?"

"Which is more important to you anyway, your hygiene or your virtue?"

"I slept with you, so obviously, neither!" Sesshoumaru snapped.

"I'd _hit_ you for that, but Father always said never to hit _girls_!"

"Then what are you waiting for?" Sesshoumaru bristled.

They glared at each other for a moment, then flew at each other, scuffling in the dirt.

"Ow, ow, you're on my hair!" Sesshoumaru whined.

"I think that goes for all of Honshu, there's so damn much of it!"

Sesshoumaru gave Kouga's tail a vicious yank. "That's for giving me split ends on our wedding night!"

Kouga looked for his opponent's tail, and found none, so he spanked Sesshoumaru instead. "That's for not being a girl on our wedding night!"

Sesshoumaru pinned Kouga down, pressing his folded arm across Kouga's chest. "What should I do to you, for nearly running off with that human 'girl' first chance you got?"

"What do you care, you tried to ditch me after one night!"

"What about your hot, sweaty affair with that wind sorceress, that everyone's talking about?" Sesshoumaru implied provocatively.

"Affair? I was trying to kill her!" Kouga defended.

"And then you had sex?"

"No, and then she beat me up, and I, um, escaped somehow, which has nothing to do with that dog-turd."

"I suppose things do tend to get a bit embellished on the demon grapevine."

"The bit with the centipede woman was also complete fiction," Kouga added helpfully.

"Well, I assumed so, female centipede demons inject their mates with poison."

"Wait, you mean that was a guy, too?" Kouga said in dismay.

"Kouga," Sesshoumaru said somewhat urgently.

"What?"

"That saké, I think it's getting to be a problem." Sesshoumaru said stiffly.

"Well, get off me, and we'll go to that village. Or you could just let me cut the damn thing off."

Sesshoumaru shuddered, and got up. "I'll take the grubby, prying hands of the villagers, thank you." He set off at a brisk pace.

"Maybe I should have worded that differently," Kouga grumbled, catching up with ease.

So, they arrived at the village, dirty, scuffed up, and stained with Naraku's slime. Sesshoumaru had a line of blood running down his face that he hadn't noticed yet, which Kouga was enjoying more than was healthy. Oh, yes, and they were demons. Needless to say, mothers jerked their children away in abject terror... and then snuck back to drool at these men, who were a fair sight better looking than their husbands, after all.

"Do you ever get the feeling people are staring at us," Sesshoumaru said uncomfortably.

"And we care why?" Kouga responded confidently.

"I just feel so naked without my boa," Sesshoumaru sniffed.

A bold, heavily made-up woman approached them, fanning herself dramatically. "Can I help you two strapping men," she purred. "With _anything_, anything at all?"

"Yeah," Kouga said, smiling, "I need help getting his pants off. Someone with really dexterous hands and the ability to improvise."

"I see," the woman said, raising an eyebrow. _Kinky ones, eh?_ she thought, _at least one of the girls should be up to this. The white haired one looks (and acts) rich, and the other one wouldn't dare be so cocky if he had nothing to back it up._ "Right this way, gentlemen," she said, her hips swaying in an exaggerated walk.

"Would you happen to have a boa, too?" Sesshoumaru hedged.

"We have _everything_, baby," the woman said, sending him come-hither gazes over her shoulder.

"You JERKS!" a village woman shouted from the sidelines. "You could have had us for _free_!"

"But Nobuko, aren't you married?" another woman pointed out.

"It's not my fault!" Nobuko insisted. "Those demon men must have hypnotized me! I no longer have control of my body! Or... _desires_."

"Oh, I see where this is going," the other woman said. "I've been hypnotized too! Already I am a thrall of the demon beast's base needs! It isn't adultery at all, it's _rape_, that's right!"

"Oi," Sesshoumaru said nervously, "the things this Sesshoumaru gets blamed for."

"Hey, where are you going?" the 'hypnotized' married fangirls moaned, as the objects of their desires disappeared into a rather large and fancy building.

(Space Haiku)

(You ask, what is space?)

(It is I, filling the void.)

(Parting paragraphs.)

(/Space Haiku.)

"Kagome-chan!" Mrs. Higurashi called in a singsong voice. "Time for school! I hope you actually studied, and didn't just find inventive ways to lose your uniform!"

Kikyou batted her soul-catchers out the window before her 'mother' opened the door.

"Oh, darling," Kagome's mother said from the doorway. "Did you sleep in that?" she asked, eyeing Kikyou's weathered miko outfit.

"Yes... _Mother_," Kikyou forced herself to say, "I slept. That's what living people do, right? They sleep. Like me." She forced a smile, hopefully.

Kagome's mother narrowed her eyes and looked closer. "Did you hit your head, darling?"

Kikyou shook her head fervently.

Lowering her voice dramatically, she asked, "Did anyone hit you? The dog-man, for example?"

"No, 'Mother,' I am perfectly all right. Is that Souta here to take me to school already? Good!" she declared, dodging her reincarnation's mother's scrutiny.

"Kagome! You can't wear that, and oh, that's not Souta, that's Houjou!"

"Yes 'Mom,' that was nice of him, wasn't it?" Kikyou called, already down the stairs.

But barely was she out of Kagome's mother's grasp, did she realize that being walked to school by Houjou wasn't much of an improvement.

"My, Kagome! That sunburn healed so fast, what did you put on it?"

Kikyou considered answering truthfully, 'the souls of dead maidens,' but thought the better of it. Silence really suited her, anyway.

"I can tell you're sick though, you're so pale. Oh, I know, you tried to get an instant tan to cover up how sick you are! My beautiful, brave Kagome!"

Kikyou rolled her eyes. Kagome this, Kagome that. What was so great about Kagome, anyway? Other than, obviously, being her. But a much inferior copy, naturally.

"Here, _lean_ on me," Houjou suggested.

Kikyou eyed him like he might bite her. "Are you a monk, by any chance? I'm only supposed to enjoy you copping a feel if you're a monk."

"No," Houjou said thoughtfully, "but I could join, if that's what lights your fire..." he blushed vigorously, and played with his fingers. "But I'm not going to cop a feel, (since you caught me) I'm just so _worried_ about you!"

"Fine," Kikyou resigned, leaning on him. Men in the future were strange. And annoying. And smelled nice. Wait, what?

"Oof," Houjou grunted, "No offence, Higurashi, but you weigh a ton! What have you been eating, bricks?"

"No, I just _am_ a brick," Kikyou said, annoyed with Houjou's attitude, and stupid, stupid, pretty scent.

"As long..." he struggled for air, "as it wasn't an unhealthy diet, I suppose."

That was just the beginning. School was evil, Kikyou decided. School needed to be vanquished, blitzed with purity arrows, and the remains burnt under unlucky stars, that they might never haunt this world with their... evilness, ever again.

In other words, like everyone else in the world, Kikyou had a rotten first day at school.

(Space Haiku)

(Separating worlds)

(Poetry in the vacuum)

(Space in the middle.)

(/Space Haiku)

AUTHOR'S INTERLUDE: Wait, Kikyou in high school? This fic has gone too far. Really. No. Too far. And it's too late to backpedal, we're there, we might as well go all the way. I am deeply sorry. But, you know, these things happen. In the minds of crazy people.

THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE IS THE SAME AGE, AND ATTENDS HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER. WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TO HIGH SCHOOL. AND CANNOT FIGURE OUT THE TRUE FUNCTION OF THE CAPS LOCK KEY.

KAGOME: Hey, shouldn't the teacher be here by now?

HOUJOU: Maybe she was sick.

KOUGA: BuuUUUrrrRRRp

HOUJOU: Ah, finally, someone's sick! I have the perfect thing for embarrassing belching, right here in my—

INUYASHA: FUCK THIS JAZZ. WHY AM I IN HIGH SCHOOL?

NARAKU: (Rocking slowly in a corner) It's always the pretty ones, always the pretty ones, are you one of them? After the pretty ones, always the—

SESSHOUMARU: Quiet, insolent beast. Wait. Since when am I human?

AUTHOR: Yeah, demon powers don't really fit into the story. Oh, it would help if you were attracted to Naraku, because I think you'd look hot together. :)

SESSHOUMARU: (Flexing his now human claws) I think I see why you took my powers, now. (Hits AUTHOR with a desk, who dies. IT MAKES SENSE, DAMMIT!)

INUYASHA: I AM SKIPPING CLASS. (Jumps out of window.)

KAGOME: (Cringes) He knows he's human now, right? The author just kept his silver hair to confuse him.

HOUJOU: MEDICAL EMERGENCY! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!

SESSHOUMARU: (Punches HOUJOU in the gut.)

KOUGA: Thanks, man. (Begins to eat AUTHOR. And maybe SHIPPOU. Because no one really cares about him anyway.)

MIROKU: (Makes out with RIN.)

EVERYONE: Dude, that's sick, she's what, four?

MIROKU: (Points to sign at beginning of INTERLUDE stating that everyone is the same age.)

SOUTA: Cool, I'm BIG now, like in that American movie!

GINTA and HAKKAKU: (Devour SOUTA. And maybe SHIPPOU. Because no one really cares about him anyway.)

KAGOME: Wait, I thought everyone was human now?

KOUGA: We are. We're just cannibals.

MIROKU: (Groping SANGO and RIN'S behinds, one in each hand.) Old habits die hard.

SANGO: (Slaps MIROKU. And maybe SHIPPOU. Because no one really cares about him anyway) Did you eat the teacher, Kouga?

KOUGA: (Tries to whistle, but keeps belching)

MIROKU: Shouldn't Naraku be the principal or something? Or at least vaguely scary? He's kind of lame.

NARAKU: Fangirls, Mary-Sues, hands in new places, hands, hands, everywhere, not there, no, my special place, not the hair, not the hair! (Bats invisible hands off him frantically.)

KIKYOU: I'm late. Where's the teacher?

KAGOME: Oh, you're "late." I get it. Corpse humor.

KOUGA: Food?

SANGO: Mr. Cannibal here ate her.

KIKYOU: All right, free period! Where's Inuyasha?

SESSHOUMARU: (Points out window)

KIKYOU: But we're on the third story! My love is dead! He's supposed to die because of me. MEEEE!

SANGO: (Puts a hand on KIKYOU'S shoulder, awkwardly.) I'm sure he was thinking of you. Like a lover's suicide!

KIKYOU: You're just saying that.

(JAKEN enters. In his human form, he is the most supremely beautiful and desirable male ever to walk the earth. All the girls and SESSHOUMARU pass out from the sheer gorgeousness of him. The INTERLUDE implodes from sheer impossibility.)

ZOMBIE AUTHOR: I am sorry. So, so, sorry. Well, not really. (Eats brains of READERS.)

INTERLUDE: END

(Space Haiku)

(If you think it's bad)

(Reading this poem, you should try)

(Having to write it.)

(/Space Haiku)

It became increasingly clear that they were in a brothel. Sesshoumaru gasped suddenly, and hid behind Kouga.

"What is it?" Kouga asked.

"I think I just saw my father's old friend, Toutousai." Sesshoumaru shuddered involuntarily.

"Don't be so hard on him," Kouga said soothingly, "it's his business if he wants to consort with prostitutes. A lot of men do."

"No," Sesshoumaru said, "he wasn't a john. He was one of the _geishas_. And he has my brother's haori!"

Kouga frowned. "Okay, that's just wrong. Not that I'm really surprised about dog-turd. Always suspected he was a pervert. Look, lady," he said to their guide, "we don't need the grand tour, just do your thing and get my wife's pants off, and we'll kindly be on our way!"

The prostitute seemed to be telling herself 'the customer is always right' a few times in her head, before taking them to a lavish room, with _toys_ hanging everywhere.

A young girl came in with tea. She was not someone Kouga or Sesshoumaru happened to know, but Miroku would have recognized her. At least he'd better have. Her name was Koharu, and she'd ended up here after he'd dumped her off with promises of a better life. Despite her surroundings, she did little more than bring tea, and was still a virgin. But she knew that if no one bought her, she would eventually have to become one of the 'working girls.' So, Koharu was on a mission.

"Here's your tea... and would you like me to bear your children? I know men like that."

The older prostitute glared at Koharu. "Please, forgive her, she is learning. And homeless" she added spitefully.

"What?"

"Look," Sesshoumaru said, "I'll buy your contract if you can untie my sash."

Koharu gulped. "I-I'll try, sir." She fiddled with the knot for several minutes, frowning, and eventually started pulling at it with her teeth, trying to loosen it. Sesshoumaru cultivated the faraway stare of a cat in the litter box.

"Enough, you don't know what you're doing, girl," the other woman said. Koharu surrendered the knot in tears, and let her superior take over.

When the prostitute gave up, she looked at Sesshoumaru in awe. "Who tied this?"

"My minion," Sesshoumaru said sadly.

"Shouldn't that be ex-minion?" Kouga reminded.

"He'll be ex-living once I find him," Sesshoumaru growled.

"I know just the person," the woman said brightly. "She does all that S&M stuff, so she's amazing with knots." She disappeared, and a few moments later, a small, short-haired woman with a fiendish air about her entered.

"Yura!" Sesshoumaru said, showing his fangs. "I've told you for the last time, you can't have my hair!"

"Who is she?" Kouga asked.

"Hair demon. Used to comb the dead, but her comb became possessed with evil energy. I heard she died, though."

Yura sniffed. "The meanies broke my comb. Now I'm human again."

"Oh... sucks to be you, I guess," Kouga said callously.

"It's okay," Yura said, shrugging. "I still have lots of fun here. Get to make them scream for me." She developed a disturbing look in her eye.

Koharu hugged herself and backed away.

"Here," Yura offered, "I'm sure I can untie that knot for you."

"Like I trust you," Sesshoumaru snarled, drawing Toukijin.

"Look," Kouga began, but he never finished. At that moment, all hell broke loose.

(Space Haiku)

(Some call space boring,)

(Others say it is peaceful)

(Space is past caring.)

(/Space Haiku.)

"What subject is this?" Kikyou asked furiously, in the middle of class.

"Higurashi, this is math class. Do you need to see the nurse?" the teacher asked worriedly.

Houjou mouthed 'yes' at her from across the room.

"Why do I need to learn math?" Kikyou demanded. "I'm a girl!"

Ayumi sighed. "And she was doing so well in history," she whispered to her friends.

"Yeah," Eri added, "the teacher was thrilled to see her in that outfit. But shouldn't she have brought a change for other classes?"

"We're not here to debate the role of women in modern society, Higurashi," the teacher said, pinching the bridge of his nose, "we are here to learn math."

"Well I refuse," Kikyou said petulantly, crossing her arms. She'd had enough. Loud bells, taunting, evil smells, being herded like cattle, subjects she had no hope of understanding, and being the only girl not showing off an indecent amount of leg. Inuyasha or no Inuyasha, she was leaving, if the dead could not rest in peace, they could at least make a big show of haunting lonely places. But this was just undignified.

"You can't, it's illegal," the teacher said, and most of the students laughed. Even Eri giggled, until Yuka jabbed her with an elbow.

An inexplicable wind ruffled Kikyou's hair, and dead leaves drifted by dramatically, which was impressive, considering it wasn't autumn. Kikyou supposed they could be from plants she killed by glaring. Bad habit, really. But Kikyou looked powerful. And suddenly no one was laughing anymore. She strode out towards the door, and the teacher, rather than stopping her, walked slowly to the intercom.

Houjou stood, looked at everyone guiltily, and ran after her.

"He's sooo romantic!" Ayumi squealed, throwing herself on Yuka melodramatically.

Houjou caught up to Kikyou in the hallway. "Kagome," he said, his voice low, "they have this wonderful new pill for ADD, maybe if you—"

Kikyou turned to Houjou. "You want to know what's wrong with me? Take my hand."

Houjou inspected her hand, it didn't look contagious, so he held it. "Does this mean we're boyfriend and—"

"_Pulse_," Kikyou said. "Look for it."

Houjou did. He frowned. He held her wrist to his ear. "There... there's some mistake," he said, his neat and orderly world coming apart. "Kagome... I don't think there's a pill for death!"

Kikyou sighed. "I know."

"We still might be able to fix the ADD though," he said hopefully.

School security surrounded them. "Careful, I hear she has leprosy," one of the guards said to the others.

(Space Haiku)

(That which is nothing)

(Can be everything as well.)

(If you are confused.)

(/Space Haiku)

"Women," Miroku said, downing his saké.

"Yeah," Inuyasha said, swirling his around in the saucer, "_women_."

"Can't live with them..." Miroku said, rubbing his bruises from Kikyou.

"Not sure the rest of that saying is true, though," Inuyasha finished. "You know, I didn't have girl problems when I was sealed to a tree. There was just one girl, and I didn't have to think about her anyway."

"You're saying you miss being knocked out with an arrow through your heart?" Miroku asked.

"Well, it was a lot less complicated."

"Damn. Those women sure did a number on you."

"Yeah..." Inuyasha said, catching light in his saké and reflecting it around, but not drinking any. "I can't leave Kikyou there, you know. We have to find Kagome. And kill Naraku. And do something about the jewel. And make the world safe for hanyous, and save all the adorable kittens stuck in trees. Why is it all my job to make the world a perfect place?"

"Perhaps you were chosen by Buddha," Miroku said calmly.

"I'm Shinto, you know," Inuyasha pointed out.

"Well then maybe that's why Buddha hates you, and makes you do all that."

"You damn monks just have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"We do," Miroku said mysteriously.

"I suppose you know how to live without women, too," Inuyasha said bitterly.

"Yeah, we know a trick or two for that," Miroku said leaning in closer.

Someone coughed. "I'm watching you," an oddly pitched voice said. Miroku turned towards the speaker, a figure in a hooded cloak with a moustache.

"Who was that?" Inuyasha asked, oblivious to the implications of their previous conversation.

Miroku frowned and pulled the mysterious interrupter's hood down, revealing Sango wearing a crooked moustache. "What are you _doing_ here?" he asked, looking more confused than surprised.

"You know, I _warned_ you, after the noodle incident," Sango hissed.

"Hey, hey," Inuyasha said, "In what way is that _never speaking of it again?_"

"Look, Shippou's waiting outside," Sango said, swiftly changing the subject.

"Shippou—does that mean you've found Kagome?" Inuyasha asked urgently.

"I think he knows where she is, but.... You'd better talk to him for yourself, okay?"

They got up and walked slowly towards the door.

"Hey, who touched my ass!" Inuyasha yelled, turning about wildly with his fangs bared.

"Oh, was that you?" Miroku said innocently. "I was aiming for Sango."

Shippou was waiting on the sign that read, "No women or children." He looked unusually smug.

"Tell me where Kagome is now, before I pound you one," Inuyasha snarled at Shippou.

"You can't hurt me, I found out the secret thing that Naraku's terrified of!" Shippou chirped.

"Commitment?" Sango asked, pulling off her moustache.

Shippou shook his head. "I can't say anything, because the moment I do, big mean old Inuyasha's gonna start hitting me for information about Kagome."

"So you _do_ know where Kagome is," Inuyasha said, perhaps a little too sweetly. "Just tell me, and it'll be all right."

"You don't deserve her, and she's happy now, so there!" Shippou said, blowing a raspberry.

"So how do you defeat Nara—" Miroku tried to cut in.

"Oh, you are _so_ cruisin' for a bruisin', brat," Inuyasha said, cracking his knuckles. "Last chance."

Shippou folded his arms and said nothing.

(Space Haiku)

(F.F.N. hates me.)

(It probably hates you too.)

(But space most of all.)

(/Space Haiku)

There were just so many women.

Most were married. Many had children at home. Some were quite old. A few were men. And they all wanted Kouga.

"We want you!" a young woman declared, throwing herself at him.

"Remember?" another girl reminded.

"Oh, um, right," the first one said. "We have no wills. Use us, demon lord!"

Kouga smiled. Mating among wolves meant a lot. It meant staying by your mate's side until death. Only one mate was allowed at a time. But meaningless sex was a-okay. "Ladies, ladies," he said, "there's more than enough Kouga to go around!"

Sesshoumaru threw a marble at him.

Something clicked in the back of Koharu's brain. All the wives were here. Which meant... open season on husbands! She skipped out hopefully.

Sesshoumaru walked over to Kouga, wading through the village women. "You are married," he said softly.

"I know," Kouga said, "and so are they. Funny though, this has never happened to me before."

"I think your minions scared them off"

"Ginta and Hakkaku are handsome!" Kouga said defiantly.

Sesshoumaru peered close at Kouga. "Your eyes, are they defective?"

Kouga smiled nervously. "Of course not! I can see just fine!"

"How many fingers am I holding up on my left hand?" Sesshoumaru asked, holding three fingers up on his right hand. He had to hold it up pretty high, too, since all they could see of each other in the swarm was each other's heads.

"Three!" Kouga said triumphantly.

"Kouga, I don't have a left hand. It was a trick question."

"That's not an eyesight test, that's a—oh, for heaven's sake, Fluffy, can we just eat these women?" Kouga said as the throng became more insistent.

"No, we really shouldn't," Sesshoumaru said, only slightly regretfully.

A woman blindly groped Sesshoumaru. "Oh, this is a man too! I want him!" The girls all turned in interest.

"On second thoughts, this Sesshoumaru feels peckish," Sesshoumaru said, glaring.

"Oh, enough of this," Yura said. She pulled a whip off the wall, and cracked it over the crowd. The women retreated, and in their absence, Yura could see that the men had been stripped. Kouga wore only his foot coverings and his headband, Sesshoumaru still wore his hakuma, affixed by the belligerent sash.

Yura walked over to Sesshoumaru, and gave the knot a few strategic yanks, releasing it. His hakuma fell around his ankles. Yura surveyed the situation. "Curls," she said, grinning. "I like curls the best. And I expect payment for my services."

Sesshoumaru and Kouga both swallowed.

"I can provide replacement clothes for you as well. Do you like leather?" Yura asked brightly.

(Space Haiku)

(Now to the A.N.)

(Hope you enjoyed this chapter.)

(And the Space Haikus.)

(/Space Haiku)

A/N- This took a long time not because I don't care about it, but because I _do_ care about it. I wanted to post something actually worth reading.

The next chapter is likely to be the last.

As some of you know, I was taking requests. The pairings shall be:

Kouga/Inuyasha and/or Kouga/Miroku.

Kouga/Sango

Inuyasha/Karan

More info in my bio, I don't want to waste space here. Thank you, everyone!

The small print: I reserve the right to weasel out of it, or break my own rules, or break your legs if it's too hard for me. All agreements are null and void if I drop dead, or find someone to have lots of sex with, which you have to admit, is a lot more fun than writing. But then, if I was getting any, would I write this incredibly frustrated lil fic?

I'll leave you with that bit of TMI, and be on my way.


End file.
